Late Night Journal – 06/14/2022

Hi! I hope you had a great day, I’m afraid this will be a rather short entry as I’m super tired, and it’s been one of those days that aren’t nice or pleasant in any form, and still, you feel there’s been a lot of growth and important things, so allow me to mention them:

  • I started writing a novel: Yes, yes I know, I know I should be super thrilled and ecstatic (and deep inside I am!). This is a project I’ve attempted once or twice before and never managed to finish but this is a different time in my life and I will finish it.
  • But… my novel is quite scary: He, he that’s the heavy part and part of why I’m so tired. I won’t provide a lot of spoilers because I’d love it if you read it once it’s published, but it’s a very dark thriller about a rather disturbed individual who has an “animal” alter ego and beings hunting people and doing very nasty things to them. Of course, the bottom of the matter is a lot deeper than that, but I’m describing why I got so tired; it’s tough to imagine these violent things and it’s even tougher to understand you’re able to create such pictures out of your own will and even through the manipulation and amplification of some of your own emotions. If I’m to be super honest, it all started with writing a poem, but it came out so vicious and dark that I felt it needed to be inserted into a larger, violent plot.
  • So is this about being a new writer?: Well, yes in part. Everything is new to me as a writer (and I mean writer after my office job ends, of course), so feeling drawn into the actions of your character, giving them macabre dialogues and deranged scenarios starts affecting you after a while (is this only me? I’m interested in hearing from other authors who’ve written about killers, horror, etc). And I guess the other part is, that I’ve always been dark in my artistic taste (exceptions certainly exist, I enjoy a Vivaldi concert and a beautiful Japanese print or an impressionist painting of a sunny garden); and as I’m getting older, I’m getting bolder. I feel there’s no time to lose, no holding back on energy, and no insecurity; so if I’m to write something gruesome I won’t soften it to be “reasonable” or “tolerable”: it’s going to be raw and hard to endure.
  • Life after COVID and traveling to work: It’s not as bad as it sounds, the only reason I’ve been traveling to the office is that we had two directors visiting my country, but neither I nor my colleagues have the intention to start commuting to the office frequently, and thankfully it’s largely up to us. That said, every trip to the office is long, tiring and I’m just not used to it any longer. Also, soccer is big here, and people today were all over the streets celebrating classification to the World Cup, which I couldn’t give more fucks about, and it annoys me how it changes the whole pattern of traffic and forced me to make long detours. Fuck soccer!
  • The effort of socializing: You probably have an idea about my personality by now, but yeah, social skills are not my most developed skills, just to use a euphemism. But it’s weird, it’s not like I’m completely shut down, as a matter of fact, people often find me charismatic; the thing is, I use this only when I have no option; typically, if I have an option will be by myself. But I’m a big guy now, I understand how important people are in my life and how important it is for me to build relationships; it’s easy to be resentful and blame others when later I dislike their attitude towards me, but then again I never really made an effort to show interest. I don’t want to act like this any longer, it’s a struggle. So I decided to go out for a couple beers after work with some of my colleagues, and every time I started feeling weird and paralyzed, I just came up with a conversation topic, just small talk. The result was impressive, people really seem to appreciate these little things, that seem silly but actually show you have an interest in sharing with them; I really liked it. But, it was also very demanding because it’s not natural for me.

OK, that’s why I’m tired but had a day full of growth and good things that felt like shit most of the time, but that the future Josué will appreciate.

Big hug fellows, need to sleep like a log.


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