Tag: late night

Late Night Journal – 07/05/2022

July 5th, 2022

I miss you frens

Hello frens, I miss you, I’m taking a short break from my writing / content-creating activities, but wanted to take a few minutes to write a message for those of you who read me, for which I’m grateful.

So, I’ve struggled for many years (almost my whole life) with clinical depression; I’m not looking for sympathy, long gone are those days, I don’t need it.

But this blog is about me and my mind, and while there’s a lot in my mind that’s valuable and worth sharing, there’s also darkness, and I can’t always translate that into art or creative projects/impulses, unfortunately (if you read my poems, you’ll notice sometimes I get to turn these feelings into something beautiful).

So this is one of those cases in which I know I’m down, it’s going to take some time to get back on my feet, I’m not sure how long, and I just need to find shelter and let the storm pass. I’m finding much comfort in prayer, books, work, enjoying art, movies, and video games, as well as working out; trying to transform this into some “me time” or “maintenance time” for my busy mind. Doing the best I can with what I have, but I’m not in great shape to write deeper stuff that’s more demanding, than this small night journal. And I haven’t even been writing in the journal until today.

This will probably happen from time to time, but please know that this is just beginning and there will be jjosuminded for years to come! I’ll be back with more once I’m fully myself again.

Also, the ads you will see on this site currently aren’t mine 😦

WordPress.com is putting them cause I paid for the basic plan, so they’re the ones making money out of my blog; I get that’s the deal and I can’t pay for an upgrade right now, but I will ;). Bear with me in the meantime.

I’m still going to start the Cultural Deviants Coffee Club stream on Twitch and YouTube this week, so I’m saving my energy for that; check the details out here, hope to see you there, we’re gonna have fun I promise I’ll make it nice! 😀

Cheers!

J.V
Late Night Journal 06-28-2022

June 28th, 2022

Good evening, I’m listening to an instrumental version of “Lacrimosa” from Mozart’s Requiem in D Minor, and I’m very moved by it. Today’s been a challenging day when it comes to organizing ideas and managing emotions that are linked to voluntarily seeking opposite ideas to your own; probably I will write more about it later, but it’s a tough experiment, one thing is to listen to a diversity of people, but a completely different one is to seek the ones you know you don’t like, and listening to them with respect. I’m telling you, emotions are a bitch and they can easily betray you if you don’t find a way to intentionally exercise control over them.

The bright part, is you actually find that even in those people your subconscious labels as “enemies”, “dangerous”, or “threatening” you will often find valuable things if you’re willing and open to it. I’m undergoing these voluntary experiments because I’m very interested in developing my own thought with a lot more emphasis lately, and being narrow-minded directly opposes the idea to become a thinker. By the way I published the second part of “Thinking Things Thinkers Thing” and I believe it’s quite a heavy read and one where I put a lot of effort in being upfront and clear, but as a side effect it may be a bit shocking. But hey, comfort never took anyone to a new place.

Now I’m listening to some Phonk music; man I got addicted to it, I’ll probably have to write about it in my “Music Crisis” section since I’m listening so much of it lately. So the origins of this genre are a little diffuse and it seems it’s the blend of DJs mainly from Eastern Europe with old Memphis rap tapes; the music’s mostly dark and kinda violent, so yeah of course I’d find it appealing.

I’ve been making an effort to comment on the communities of writers I subscribed to (actually to one of them, to begin somewhere); I really want to commit to exploring and building these relationships with other authors, it’s not natural in me, so that’s also emotionally tiring.

My kid (7 y/o) was accepted in a much better school than the one he’s at, he applied for admission tests a couple weeks back to third grade and we received today the news that he’s been accepted. It’s gonna cost me a kidney and I recently lost my second job, but both my wife and I are willing to make it work, it’s a good problem to have. 🙂

Good night folks.

J.V
Late Night Journal – 06/14/2022

June 14th, 2022
Hi! I hope you had a great day, I’m afraid this will be a rather short entry as I’m super tired, and it’s been one of those days that aren’t nice or pleasant in any form, and still, you feel there’s been a lot of growth and important things, so allow me to mention them:
- I started writing a novel: Yes, yes I know, I know I should be super thrilled and ecstatic (and deep inside I am!). This is a project I’ve attempted once or twice before and never managed to finish but this is a different time in my life and I will finish it.
- But… my novel is quite scary: He, he that’s the heavy part and part of why I’m so tired. I won’t provide a lot of spoilers because I’d love it if you read it once it’s published, but it’s a very dark thriller about a rather disturbed individual who has an “animal” alter ego and beings hunting people and doing very nasty things to them. Of course, the bottom of the matter is a lot deeper than that, but I’m describing why I got so tired; it’s tough to imagine these violent things and it’s even tougher to understand you’re able to create such pictures out of your own will and even through the manipulation and amplification of some of your own emotions. If I’m to be super honest, it all started with writing a poem, but it came out so vicious and dark that I felt it needed to be inserted into a larger, violent plot.
- So is this about being a new writer?: Well, yes in part. Everything is new to me as a writer (and I mean writer after my office job ends, of course), so feeling drawn into the actions of your character, giving them macabre dialogues and deranged scenarios starts affecting you after a while (is this only me? I’m interested in hearing from other authors who’ve written about killers, horror, etc). And I guess the other part is, that I’ve always been dark in my artistic taste (exceptions certainly exist, I enjoy a Vivaldi concert and a beautiful Japanese print or an impressionist painting of a sunny garden); and as I’m getting older, I’m getting bolder. I feel there’s no time to lose, no holding back on energy, and no insecurity; so if I’m to write something gruesome I won’t soften it to be “reasonable” or “tolerable”: it’s going to be raw and hard to endure.
- Life after COVID and traveling to work: It’s not as bad as it sounds, the only reason I’ve been traveling to the office is that we had two directors visiting my country, but neither I nor my colleagues have the intention to start commuting to the office frequently, and thankfully it’s largely up to us. That said, every trip to the office is long, tiring and I’m just not used to it any longer. Also, soccer is big here, and people today were all over the streets celebrating classification to the World Cup, which I couldn’t give more fucks about, and it annoys me how it changes the whole pattern of traffic and forced me to make long detours. Fuck soccer!
- The effort of socializing: You probably have an idea about my personality by now, but yeah, social skills are not my most developed skills, just to use a euphemism. But it’s weird, it’s not like I’m completely shut down, as a matter of fact, people often find me charismatic; the thing is, I use this only when I have no option; typically, if I have an option will be by myself. But I’m a big guy now, I understand how important people are in my life and how important it is for me to build relationships; it’s easy to be resentful and blame others when later I dislike their attitude towards me, but then again I never really made an effort to show interest. I don’t want to act like this any longer, it’s a struggle. So I decided to go out for a couple beers after work with some of my colleagues, and every time I started feeling weird and paralyzed, I just came up with a conversation topic, just small talk. The result was impressive, people really seem to appreciate these little things, that seem silly but actually show you have an interest in sharing with them; I really liked it. But, it was also very demanding because it’s not natural for me.
OK, that’s why I’m tired but had a day full of growth and good things that felt like shit most of the time, but that the future Josué will appreciate.

Big hug fellows, need to sleep like a log.

J.V
Late Night Journal – 06/12/2022

June 13th, 2022

It’s Sunday evening again, and it’s been a quiet one. Quiet Sundays are my favorite.

It’s been a difficult week, I believe I’ve mentioned before that I have been working two jobs as part of a plan to save money and eventually be able to dedicate more to my writing and to build business, so that I can spend more time in culture and arts; and well to tell you the truth I was fired from one of them.

So that sucks quite a bit, and for a person like me what sucks the worst, is that I was given excuses as to why this decision was made rather than, at least an honest explanation. The truth is the whole department had issues in the last two months and a scapegoat was needed. And that would be me, lol.

So that was unsettling first, but then I also realized that I actually appreciate having the time for myself; that’s the thing with adult life isn’t it? That fine balance between time, money and energy. So I decided to make the most of what happened this week and use this time in the best way possible while I get a chance to make more money again and resume my savings.

On a happier topic, I got time today to read a lot, and I started 1984 which is a book that was gifted to me last week and I was very eager to start reading. I also spent some time reading poetry and I’m becoming a fan of Lord Byron’s.

OK I think this is good for today, I have added an email address with the domain of this website so you can write to me if you feel like. Thanks so much for reading me and have a great week ahead.
J. V
Late Night Journal – 06/09/2022

June 10th, 2022

I love driving at night, seriously.

There’s this silence all around you, this quiet tension of being surrounded by darkness and being conscious there’s a bit more risk than usual, and it’s on your hands to manage that risk.

It probably sounds odd, truth is, I love and fear the night, both. It’s a beautiful time, it’s a part of being alive but probably subconsciously I view it as a symbol of chaos and the unknown. Having a certain degree of control over my life surrounded by chaos and the unknown is what energizes me about driving at night alone.

OK, that’s about the proper amount of weirdness for tonight. On the more mundane subjects, today was the first day in maybe 3 or 4 years that have had a regular work day in an office, surrounded by my colleagues. I literally saw my colleagues in person for the first time after working from home for a long time. It was so nice, I almost had to control myself so they didn’t notice my excitement; dude it’s so true that you miss things you take for granted when they’re gone! Don’t get me wrong, I love working from home and will continue to do so, but even for a socially awkward individual such as myself, having contact with others comforts me internally at some level.

I had the biggest margarita ever in my life (with a Corona bottle inside, regular size), so good that I almost ordered a second one! Then I remembered I had to go back to the office and I did not xD .

OK, my invisible internet friends, I love you, I need to sleep.

J.V