Tag: blog

Night Journal: Rabbit Hole 1

June 8th, 2023
Have you felt the call of the Rabbit Hole?

It’s a big question, and even a greater decision whether or not to listen.

Me, I’m listening to Combichrist right now, with a big ass vodka bottle and a glass full of ice beside me; I’ve found out basically any San Pellegrino sparkling water mixes beautifully with ice and vodka, Stoli for me, if I had Żubrówka or Śliwowica accessible I’d be drinking that. But honestly, Stoli is famous cause it’s delicious and great quality, I just happened to have tasted polish vodka recently due to some colleagues sending me bottles and I’m in love; I’m super snob I’m sure you can tell so no point in hiding it.

Cheers!

But really, Lewis Carroll’s alegory is such a multidimensional symbol, it could really be interpreted in different manners and they all make sense. To me, the Rabbit Hole is the calling of truth, of meaning, of substance; to Alice it was the adventure of her life and the escape from a world way two ordinary for such a special girl, what’s your rabbit hole? I mean, cause there are some things that define a rabbit hole, if we just look at it from Alice’s story:
- It’s an entrance to another world, available in the ordinary world. So a portal.
- It’s not for everyone to enter, not even to notice; Alice was no ordinary girl and you can see it all throughout the story: her confidence, her strong will, her endless curiosity and her depth even.
- It’s dark, so obscure, unknown. This could also translate to risky, dangerous, dreadful.
- But in its darkness is also appealing; something interesting and otherworldy belongs there: a talking white rabbit. Meaning: there’s something irrisistible that belongs to the Rabbit Hole and it is what gives us the guts to break through the resistance of logic and self preservation, to enter the Rabbit Hole.
- It connects to a world that seems full of madness, for its symbols and ways are not our own; but it turns out there’s much in there, and meaning seems to manifest in it once the mind is more accostumed to the new place. .
The rabbit hole, The Rabbit Hole.

You know what? As of today, I will make The Rabbit Hole a new section of this blog, I just thought about it and it’s decided! Because there’s so much in my life that’s just manisfestations of it, just otherworldly.

A door or an abyss? Or both?

Nietzche wrote: ““if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”“

What’s the abyss? Is it the unknown? What do you imagine when you read this word?

Monsters?

Cold death?

Hell?

Desolation?

The abyss, the I know of, typically won’t bring a happy image to most people’s minds, it certainly doesn’t bring a joyful feeling to me. It’s a rainy (beautiful) night and I just came back from watching Berserk (1997) and I couldn’t but wonder: “why is it that I’m so drawn to this story?” But then I realize it’s not the only story so dark and philosophical that I like, one way or another I seek to surround myself with this type of content.

Why?

You know, I’m genuinely curious, I’m not judging myself: I was born in great darkness and I obviously didn’t choose that. Isn’t it simple survival to try to get used to it, to integrate it?

I’m not sure I can make sense to you right now, I feel like I need to ask you to be patient for it will have meaning, but for now it’s just chaotic and sparse. Since it’s so hard to delve into the core matter and put it into words, I will propose an exercise: I’ll choose one specific topic pertaining The Rabbit Hole, and my commitment with you is, each of those will tackle one little piece of this part of me: it’s a big part of me but it’s not all of it, if it was then I’d be like the Queen of Hearts and we wouldn’t really like that, would we?

A first attempt: Persona

Man, it’s not like I’m following an order or anything, but since I recently had a frustrating gamer experience with this game (Persona 5) it’s really present in my mind, so I’ll start with it.

*** Disclaimer: There’s nothing, zero, nada, wrong with this game: it’s a jewel. My frustrating experience hasn’t anyhing to do with the game but more with how stupid I am while playing it. The thing gives you like, tons of save slots so you can go back in time and fix your errors but I keep overwriting the same slot thinking that I can handle whatever comes: not the case; so I reach a point where I simply can’t win a battle and I will have to start over and I’,m looking forward to but right now my workload is quite a bitch, so being a fucking adult it’s what it is. /End of disclaimer ***

So, I’ll try my best to not enter into a “gamer blog” type of thing, cause I’d like to but this is not the section of the blog for doing so; however, because context is needed and I can’t hold myself from wanting to do just a little “gamer review”, I’ll dedicate few bullet points to provide a brief about the franchise and the game:
- “Persona” is a series of turn-based RPG games from ATLUS, a Japanese video game studio. The franchise originates in “Shin Megami Tensie” and this is were most of the persona designs and characters come from which is cool because if you’ve liked the series from the beginning it does provide a nice sense of continuity.
- Besides the way battle works (turn-based), Persona provides very entertaining blend of dungeon crawling and social simulation. Your actions typically occurs in an alternate dimension filled with dungeons and monsters in them, puzzles to solve and so on. While during “normal” lifge you’re typically a high school student in Japan and you need to make friends, go out, date or get a girlfriend/boyfriendeven; your social relationship work will yield fruits in the dungeon, which starts to point to some of the symbolism present in the game.
- The characters in Persona are heroes of the “rogue” type typically; misunderstoon, putting themselves at risk because what’s happening to them is really out of what the ordinary persdon could believe. So they’re vigilantes and outcasts of sorts.
OK, hopefuly that’s enough for an idea of what the game is like, I can’t recommend it enough and yes I’m aware it’s audience is probably 15 to 20 years younger than I am and I don’t give a fuck 🙂 .

How does Persona link to my Rabbit Hole? (When I use upper case it’s because I’m referring to my personal rabbit hole, not the generic concept). The answer lies in Jungian psychology. And I will apologize to professional psychologists and serious students of Jung if I’m somehow butchering the concepts but I’ll use my own words to explain in the next bullet points:
- You’re an individual, but defining yourself apart from the collective to become a unique entity is a lifelong process (individuation).
- Everyone is the product of culture, breeding, trauma, decisions, beliefs and a blend of external material influences one’s concept of the self. But much of what you are is not available to your conscious mind, yet it guides you conscious decisions as programming code would, from the unconscious (this is not unique to Jung but Freud teaches about this).
- There’s a realm that will hinder an individual’s progress towards full self-awareness and plentiful individuation which is the “shadow” realm. It will hinder such progress “by default” unless the individual intentionally and seeks to access it and integrate it.
- There’s a natural difficulty (for some an impossibility) to access and integrate this realm because it contains the dark self. It contains those beliefs that are unacceptable based on socialization and culture, but that nevertheless are a part of you. These beliefs are so contradictory to the value system you profess that your primary reaction to them is rejection, repression and burying them in the darkness within. However, from that prison, from that darkness they emerge to sabotage the false “virtuous” self you’ve built according to the expectatiosn of others that you’ve aboserbed as your own.
- You don’t need to blind-jump into the shadow world and let it rule you, that’s not Jung’ss idea of integration; it’s potentially very dangerous to do so because a lot of distorsion resides in there: the fruit of abuse, trauma, rejection and ugly things we supress can be foudn in the shadow world. But rather than “switch sides” and embrace that darkness as your identity, you need to acknowledge it, see it in the eye and understand there’s a part of you which resides in there; you can bring it to your conscience and you can integrate the valuable parts you find there.
Shit, I hope I’m making at least some sense, this Stoli is kicking now and my tongue is numb, lol, thanks fully I’m writing and not speaking. Jungians feel free to contact me and make corrections, I lack study and I know it and part of the attractive of the rabbit hole for me is precisely being able to dedicate time to interiorize and really understand these things.

In Persona (mostly from Persona 4 onwards) Atlus decided to build the game concept heavily using a Jungian angle to create an attractive story that’s also a means to reflec on the self and the truth, the relationships and your own identity.

I realize it’s been a long article, so my next Rabbit Hole article will be written entirely around Persona 5 and you’ll see what I’m talking about. For now, thanks for reading and you’re witnessing the beginning of a crazy-ass blog section: The Rabbit Hole, good luck.

I love ya.

J.V
Sunny Outside

June 8th, 2023

It’s sunny outside,

and to my surprise, inside as well.

A fresh, calm breeze

and the chirping of birds

as I open my window, a world of simple beauty

for my yearning eyes to dwell.

A cypress rises proud, it dresses in a spotted gown

of yellow and green interleaved,

a brave dog barks in wrath, to protect this day, no doubt

to keep all of our neighbors safe from

what’s grim and dire.

It’s sunny outside, and I feel like blending in

and inspire deeply, touch the grass with my feet.

It’s a new treasure for a limited time

I shall spend it all at once

for it ends tonight.

Josue Vargas, 2023
And if

June 7th, 2023

What if the outer shell was punctured,

and the pain would just be drained out, like foul stagnant water,

leaving the stench of the past behind, evaporated,

and the relief of a smile on my face?

What if the inhabited land above my shoulders

was abandoned by all? What if it was left desolate,

except from birds, and insects and wonderful trees that

sing when the wind blows against their leaves?

What if one morning, I floated like a feather,

randomly throughout the space of a single day?

And fly by the face of my child, who tries to catch me and play with me,

but I’m a feather and the wind moves me above the begging face of my dog,

and then towards the backyard to be lost in the first rays of sunshine.

And if one day I was running, preparing my body and mind

to make this world just a little bit more like me?

What if the voices I hear were not of the victims

but of the joyful children, filled with hope,

beloved by their parents, respected by strangers?

What if it was the warm tone of agreement, of forgiveness, in the voice of a man who could wield a knife but instead, chooses to wield a smile?

What if it was the understanding in the eyes of a woman,

who chooses not to hate or destroy those near her,

but to love them and believe that she can find her own way?

What if my day wasn’t filled with meetings,

but with stanzas?

What if my only concern was to paint the world with the colors I was given

and rather than a painkiller,

writing out my soul

was a life-giver?

Josué Vargas, 2023
Night Journal 06-06-2023

June 6th, 2023

So I learned that there’s a cruise ship that takes you around the world for 3 years and you basically live there: man I want it, I want it so bad! It’s like the dream come true of a rebel soul with true wanderlust! And that’s me!

Now think about the planning and other aspects that entail living in a boat for 3 freaking years, lol. So you will seldom see people you know and will be surrounded of temporary neighbors as crazy as you enough to embark into this adventure and you will probably get attached to some of them but these are nomads from across the world potentially so it’s not meant to last longer than three years; wow, that’s an interesting social experience! You get to train at the gym and be fed, so of course it’s up to you to choose the food that fits your lifestyle and also you’ll get super spoiled and once you go back to living in the land it will be quite a process to get used to cleaning, cooking and so on.

Now that’s living in the boat, but of course, a huge part of it (or the core of the whole experience) is not to have a floating room in a floating building, but rather to travel to 135 countries. Maaaaan! How do you manage work? I’ve been thinking about it seriously, I’d have to ask and calculate the time spent at the sea and do my best to compress all of my working inside those timeframes, because once we hit the shore I want out! And I’d want it all, all that I can see and do!

Also, if you do the math and you’re used to rent in an expensive city, then the whole pricing thing isn’t that crazy, not at all actually. But how about wanting to do trips and excursions in the places you wish to know the most? I mean, would you have the opportunity of travelling around the world to conservatively stay near the shore? So you’d need to plan your finances very well and have self control for sure: priorities!

In any case here’s the MV Gemini:

I will be writing on this blog from one of its cabins folks, it will happen.

What else, besides turning into Luffy?

Well, who knows, maybe I find a devil fruit during my journey and get some super power?

I’m writing again, that’s what’s up. And I’m happy about it, although it’s a very challenging thing to do these days for the reasons I’ve explained in my previous entries. But I’m pumped about it, for sure.

Besides your ocassional “Night Journal”, I’m writing other stuff, exercises that I find in my Creative Writing course such as “Forgotten Nebulas“, most of those will take the shape of a short story of sorts. And I’m also writing for a more ambitious project, a story to be released as a series of chapters here and in Wattpad; very soon you’ll get the first chapter and I don’t want to talk more about it since I’d like the story to surprise you.

I’m saving friends, dreams are awaiting and I need to fund them, it’s been so hard to save money! And I’m pretty clear that just saving money in the long run is losing money to inflation, so I’m actively working on some ideas to make some of that money work in some “low-risk” ventures; cause I can’t afford to play “Wolf of Wallstreet” at this juncture in my life, I need to prove a foreign embassy that my funds are stable and that I’ve kept a particular amount for more than a year and that makes me more conservative (thankfully) when it comes to risking hard earned money working like a motherfucker.

So yeah, that’s what’s up with me; also I have a headache, I’m listening to this really cool playlist and I’m about to hit the gym since it seems that I’m now one of those guys who need to be there daily. I have a very strict weightloss goal for this year, and so I’m training to run marathon (don’t get me wrong, I’m starting and I’m still fat 😦 ), but I’m less fat and I can start seeing gradual body changes; so I walk/run in the morning and lift weights in the evening; combined with my hectic lifestyle you already know about.

And all of this is super tiring but way, way better than watching life pass before my eyes in comfort; I feel awake and my reality is not what I want it to be, but it’s better than it’s ever been.

Struggle, effort, change… with time become a powerful engine and a source of much satisfaction.

Big hug my friends, you’ve read me in gloomy moments and now I want you to participate in my hopes as well. I’d like to think I can inspire some of you to live, just to embrace life and do as much as you can with it.
Night Journal: Reboot

May 29th, 2023
Abruptly, as it’s customary in tropical climates, the heatwave that was now making each work day seem like a sticky mirage, turned into sudden, violent rainstorms.

I’d rather have the rainy days.

And coincidentally, those beautiful dark days that come as an early omen of a long winter (rainy season here to be precise) , begin one day after I decided to write again at night; so what used to be the “Late Night Journal” now becomes the “Night Journal”, just because my current efforts break out of the 9-5 work cycle don’t grant me the luxury of getting to be the bohemian writer whose window is lit when everyone else is sleeping.

At least not right now….

Why and how?

Oh don’t ask my why, but I feel like this snail sometimes 😉

Historically, the “Late Night Journal” section of this blog is the one with the most followers, I find this amazing and beautiful because it’s also the most personal section.

I purposely stopped writing in 2023, or rather I *paused* it for the sake of focus and to engage in a struggle to ensure I can dedicate to writing and other artistic/cultural projects in the future. So this year, I decided no matter what happened, I had to keep two jobs and save X%/month until I reach “Y” total amount, where “Y” is this completely lifechanging amount of money that could help “sponsor myself” to develop my projects without being worried about bills.

Because of how obsessive I am, I’m not only double-working, but I’m also building an e-commerce business and starting to build an online learning course catalog in technology, since this is an area I’m experienced in. Now, before you judge me too hard, and this is not something I often use to communicate, I am what you would call “gifted” while also autistic and this gives me the ability to live in isolation while also doing many things at the same time; this also brings a lot of challenges since I often feel quite the failure and nothing I do is ever enough, because if I’m “gifted” I should also be changing the world somehow rather than juggling jobs and fighting for weird projects only I care about, right? That site I linked (https://rainforestmind.com/) explains these predicaments and if you’re a gifted adult or know one who’s going through some crisis due to their peculiar mind I’d recommend you to read this therapist, Paula Prober; I don’t read her super often but my wife does and it’s been thanks to my wife that I’ve grown to learn more about myself (and about my son who’s got the same situation).

In any case, these activities are taking all of my current life (I wrote about it in my previous come back post, but I guess in less detail and a more motivational fashion). And yet, I decided it was time to come back to writing!

A quest: For me, for others

All throughout my struggles, there’s always a point where I stop and I breath and realize the outcome of this will help myself and help others. I believe I’ve written about this before, but one of the pains that give direction to my life is wasted lives and wasted potential.

I believe people come in many different shapes and flavors, but everyone has a talent that’s of divine origin, something God-given, something beyond flipping burgers or writing code to fix the latest bug.

Don’t get me wrong, we need all of those chores to be completed, we need everyone’s work and contribution to society, but aren’t we something beyond our function, no matter how critical this may be? See, I don’t believe any single human being is meant to be a gear in the machine and then go to waste and be replaced, I refuse to and it’s been like this since I was a kid, it’s been a very existential discussion with myself.

I have fought for many years against my current role in society (a cyber security specialist), feeling I’m misplaced but then also feeling guilty about hating my job because it’s also such a blessing. Quite a contradiction! I have been unemployed and in harms way in the past, I’ve known the horrible situation of lacking the basic assurances an adult needs to have for himself and his family, I know this first hand! So I decided that there’s no way I will hate my job, or condemn my life as a worker bee while I achieve something better, nor will I judge others for seeking the comfort of basic personal and household security.

I used to listen attentively to a certain breed of “entrepreneurs” who would actually criticize working class people; their narrow thought is similar to that of a religious sect and they surround themsleves with a bunch of entrepreneurial wannabes that just repeat their distorted “struggle and pain” doctrines like parrots without noticing how unreasonable they are. I used to be very affected by people like these, and thought they were right and I was just too weak, but you know what? All these people would be nothing without us worker bees! Yeah that’s right!
- We buy the stuff they produce
- We use the services they offer
- We work in their companies, we make their dreams a reality
- We approve of their ideas or bury them in Social Media
- We hold their livelihood in our hands, we’re just not conscious of it oftentimes!
It’s nonsense for a successful entrepreneur to despise the same people they are always trying to please via tremendous marketing and product engineering efforts. Luckily, it’s just a bunch of big-mouthed ones that have this toxic behavior, I think many great business people are mindful of how important the ordinary citizen is for their own lives and businesses and how a real measure of success for any great business person is their ability to satisfy and improve the lifes of us, the “ordinary people”.

So yeah, I know this was a detour, but it’s important for me to communicate that I respect and endure this stage of being inserted in the gears and cogs and not being quite distinguishable among them. It’s a test of endurance for me, and a blessing as well, I’m proud of my origins because they make my struggle much more valuable and much more epic.

But I also know I want out; I don’t think that’s everyone’s fate, as a matter of fact I know many who would never think about it because they have found a good life within the gears and cogs and that’s quite frankly, most people. And many times I envy them, but lately I’ve come to understand such envy is also nonsense because I would never be able to force myself into fitting something other than my own shape.

So, I came recently to a very tough crossroads:

I’m working to pay for my own opportunity, for my own shot at culture and arts, this is my dream, my plan and I believe in it, so much that I’m making a brutal effort to make it happend no matter what. At the same time, every day, month, week that I focus in making money to fund my own project I’m losing contact with the end goal and feel sucked into being a money-making machine. Talk about one fucked up paradox!

And while I can only devote a fraction of time to my life goal compared to what I’m fighting for, I will make the time each week (if possible each night) to write something; this is my lifeline to my dream, to the future I’m building. In this blog, the two worlds in dispute for my heart collide.

How is this quest related to others?

I have a firm belief that society is, for the most part, sick.

It’s illness is related to a lack of individual awareness and purpose, as humans we will always create systems, this is inevitable and it’s (for better or worse) the “engine of civilization”; systems as we know them in the age of computing, are perfectly ordered machines comprised of components dedicated each to its own function, replaceable, upgradeable.

Ever since the ancient civilizations, the rulers among mankind have strived to build systems, while facing the huge challenge that humans have their own heart and desire and will only become a gear or a cog in someone’s system if they have a reason and motivation to do so. This is why the history of mankind is so full of violence, because coercion is a foundational means to make people work for a “common goal” which could be re-written as “the goal of a ruler who needs a lot of people to achieve it”.

With time (not without horrible exceptions), force as a means of uniting people towards a goal has given way to deception as the primary means of doing so; the larger the system and the most benefits, the less effort to sell this idea that your best contribution to mankind is being a perfect consumer and “model citizen”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pure agent of chaos, but I’m a dissident of human dignity. I’d rather see individuals fulfilled imperfectly than helping perfectly organized prisons of efficiency and comfort.

This is a much larger topic, and it will certainly require more articles to address it, but I believe my own path and the effort I’m doing to expand myself to my full potential can become guidance for others willing to undergo personal transformation, I said before that I’m not a pure agent of chaos, I’d rather see myself as an agent of hope and deliberance.
Late Night Journal – 12/08/2022

December 8th, 2022

“At night, I return” A.I Art.

I’m back with “Late Night Journal” folks. I know, I always say that, and then: poof! I disappear in a purple mist. But, I want to make this type of post more regularly.

It’s interesting though, I feel like this is the “Meta Journal” because I’m taking this entry to speak about the journal itself. I’m super happy because well, I’ve published quite a bit in this blog already, and I know it needs a redesign, it needs love and patience, and maybe some money cause I’m a lousy web designer (well, not a web designer at all actually) so… I know, I know…

But on the other side, I’m so thankful for all of you who read me despite my awful blog design and even the annoying, scammy-looking ads that WordPress.com decided to put on it (cheap suckers!). I will fix these things, I’ve just been quite broke after I lost my second job as I told you in the past, but guess what? Guess, guess! Yes, after some terrible interviews, weeks of anxiety, and harassing my recruiter, I landed a new job and my main purpose after taking the needed portion to adjust my family’s finances (the recession is hitting like a freaking bitch), is to start a big savings plan to raise some capital for both my online training business (technology related) and of course, for my artistic projects. I’m so thrilled!

Folks, feel free to feel happy for me, this is the result of so much suffering, believe me, if you like underdog stories, I’m your guy!

“A very eager artist” – A. I Interpretation using my own picture as a baseline

So what’s up with the journal?

Yeah, right! Thanks for reminding me, fellows!

Because I’m already dedicating most of my after-work time to my projects, it’s become a lot lately, so much so that I’ve had to rethink my time management strategies and reprioritize. And so, you don’t see me posting “Late Night Journals” that often since I’m also posting short stories and writing exercises mainly.

But something interesting has been going on for a few months, every now and then, when I have a new follower or a new like in my blog posts, guess where it usually comes from?

From my “Late Night Journals”! Of course!

So I’ve been wondering why this is so. I mean, I like them and I like writing them, but I honestly thought folks would feel more attracted to other pieces like articles on culture or poems, etc.

So I asked my wife since she’s super smart and a good observer and she told me: “people like to know about other people’s lives”. Ha! Interesting, it’s simple but it’s powerful, indeed the “Late Night Journal” is the most personal type of post I make.

In any case, I want to listen to my audience and I will start writing again the type of content you’ve shown a preference for. Because you know what? Your support makes me bolder, it encourages me to fight harder, be more disciplined and achieve the many things I’ve told you about in this blog, my dreams of art and freedom, my stories, and my thoughts on how to contribute to the lives of others! I want to inspire you, not by being perfect but by being brave.

Have a wonderful night friends!

I just like it a lot, it shows how I feel when I start working on my art projects.
Capture The Flag!

November 29th, 2022

“Marco’s discovery” – A.I + Human Collab

“Fuck this, he’s the stupid one, he’s the useless one!”

Marco slammed the door, as a loud voice kept yelling unintelligible words, words that couldn’t be grasped, but whose sound could be understood by anyone, in any language.

As the distance grew and the voice faded, the boiling anger in his chest started to hurt him, betraying him, because he was keeping it in store for the bitter man back at the cottage, who clearly wanted him out of his life, but couldn’t bring himself to abandon him.

Marco believed this inability to act on his real feelings wasn’t a matter of decency, but plainly a fear of rejection, it was a small town and single parents were frowned upon, let alone one who abandons his teenage kid.

-“If he isn’t bold enough to leave, or kick me out, I will leave instead, I’ll find something, I’m old enough to make some money on my own.” He murmured as he hastened his pace and clenched his fists.

But he knew better than this, he was a good student with top grades, and he also had a very detailed plan for his life. Deep inside he knew this rejection, this constant reproach was his curse to bear, his price to pay. If he just managed to hold on for a couple more years he would go to college, miles away from the home that wasn’t a home any longer, but barely a shelter for the homeless; that is, himself.

But he walked, he used to walk. More and more, his weekends were becoming lonely walks, talking to himself and building fantasies. In these day dreams he became smarter than anyone else, he became wealthy and successful, he could see himself returning to town driving a car like no one in that miserable place has ever seen, and buying the biggest farms, just to let every crop wither, every animal die, and not a single soul would be able to do anything about it for he was now the owner and master of that stinky place.

-“Imagine the old man, making up excuses, ashamed, trying to explain why his son is such a disgrace, such a ruthless bastard”.

As time passed, the anger slowly evaporated, and when he was far from everything, he would let the pain take over and cry where no one could see him. He would just sit and cry by the creek because once he did, he felt like he was able to make it through another week.

Those tears, he thought, were like scales in his eyes that blinded him and wouldn’t let him see things for what they were; for it was only after dropping them on the grass that he would start noticing the small things he knew he would miss once he departed for his new life: the colorful birds chirping, singing and dancing like the ancient ancestors summoning the rain; the flowers enduring the wind, never defeated by it, and the wild hares who seemed to always be plotting schemes just like he did during his lonesome afternoons.

But this time, something was different. After the blinding tears came out, it felt like the air cleared and all that surrounded him, even nature’s ongoing celebration had stopped and became solemn, and silent. This made him feel uneasy, but also moved him into action, so he started walking further than usual.

After a few minutes, he approached the abandoned mine, a ghostly place that served as a natural boundary with the closest village; none of the other kids in town liked being there, but then again, it felt like a better place to be than back home.

Something red was moving, actually flapping, near the entrance to the mine; this wasn’t an animal or a plant, it was something entirely different, something that was put there by someone, something with a purpose. He felt like going back to the creek, but couldn’t ignore the mesmerizing object, agitated by the wind.

Taking a deep breath, the slender teen drew near and crouched to look closely: it was a flag. A flag! From every single possibility of what could be found in that place, he found a small, red flag playfully moving, planted in the middle of nowhere.

This time he really felt like running away; was he being observed? Was this a prank? A snare? He looked around him, his heart was pumping faster: not a single soul. Even nature seemed mute, expectant, holding its sounds and motions, waiting for him to dig.

He couldn’t run away, he’d made it all this way to make this discovery, he had to see it through. Besides, there was not much else to do and this was far more entertaining than doing his usual pencil drawings, sitting by the creek.

Using a piece of wood he found, he started digging; at first sight, it didn’t seem like the pole was too long, but to his surprise, it wasn’t easy to pull it out. As he dug deeper, he saw something resembling a piece of cardboard; he took it out and dusted it off, it had something written on it:

“How did you find me? Keep digging and ”

The sentence was incomplete. He could now hear his own heart pumping, he dug faster, as if all he wanted was for the unexpected trial to end, and leave that place to take cover in his usual thoughts and the drawings in his notebook.

Two feet deeper, he felt the pole start to loosen a bit.

-“Almost there, maybe 1 foot deeper”.

Then, a new piece of cardboard appeared:

“we can play a game, after all this digging it makes sense to have some fun. Hi, my “.

Again, the sentence was left unfinished.

He needed to stop to take a break; his fingernails were filthy as were his clothes, he wasn’t prepared for this amount of work, with nothing but a piece of wood, and his fingers were already injured. It didn’t matter, he was almost done.

He shivered at the thought that once he was able to remove the flag, a new piece of cardboard will complete the unfinished introduction.

But he wasn’t prepared, no one could have ever been prepared for what was at the other end of the pole: a human hand, a skeleton hand the size of a 10-year-old, was tightly gripping the pole. Marco fell on his back, as he pulled the whole thing out of the dirt.

-“What the a-actual fuck?

Is… is this…?”

It was. Inside the bony fist, there was another piece of cardboard, the final one (he expected):

“name’s Armand, I’m dead.

But I guess you figured that out already. This was “Capture the flag” when you’re ready to play “Tag” enter the mine. I promise if you play, I will tell you why you’re playing with a dead kid, how cool is that? Hi-five!”

As he read the last line, the hand opened.

Marco would have screamed with all his might, but what came out instead was a gasp; he couldn’t utter a sound. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t close his eyes to stop seeing, nor could he release his new friend’s hand. He couldn’t make sense of anything, he could barely begin moving his legs to try and stand up.

But in the midst of all those things he couldn’t do, there was only one very clear thought in his mind, one thing he could do, the very thing he couldn’t avoid:

“I need to get back home, bring the flashlight, and enter the mine”.
Shaping The Void

November 25th, 2022
“Shaping the Void” An A.I interpretation

I think this is probably too deep for this hour of the night and a day packed with real-life cybersecurity action at work (woo hoo!).

In any case, I have some ideas I don’t want to leave unexpressed tonight, also I’m listening to a “Jazz Noir” playlist, which helps me make it through the night with the guts and toughness of a broken detective, way too tormented to sleep and obsessed about catching that monsters of the streets, that’s proven so elusive: “but, tonight is the night…” as our good-old Dexter Morgan would say.

So what’s up with the void?

Oh, come on folks! Shouldn’t you know it by now, that I have a natural affinity with drama?

No, but seriously, I’ll talk about real shit here just be patient and bear with my introductions; I’ll tell you two things:
1. This has to do with my journey as a writer and artist (of course, if you read me, you probably figured that out)
2. This is another of this self-discovery-type-of-article in which I feel like having these epiphanies about my own journey, may (even if accidentally) help some of you on your own, or at least get you to think more about it. If that’s the case, I will feel satisfied.
I don’t usually quote people that much in my blog, but I believe the following is worth quoting and helps me as a good starting point for my topic tonight:

“Every bit of learning is a little death. Every bit of new information challenges a previous conception, forcing it to dissolve into chaos before it can be reborn as something better. Sometimes such deaths virtually destroy us.”

― Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos

Wow! Just wow…

You know, I heard this a while ago now, but it’s until very recently that it started to make a lot of sense to me. The reason? Because I’m experiencing it continuously.

Today I took some time to get back to a course in Udemy that I had started, but not taken too seriously, it’s a course on writing for beginners like me and I’m not getting any money to advertise it but I’d like to link to it in case you want to have a look, I’m finding it quite enjoyable.

So the thing is, this guy from the start challenges you with: “writers have to write, every day”. Well, it’s not the first time I hear it of course, but hey since I’m used to “doing things my way”, I ignored all the exercises and the prompts and started binging the thing: I didn’t get too far, it became burdensome and then I thought to myself “well, you’re already working in your books and if this instructor is right, you should probably just keep writing those”. Well, guess what? I’m stuck now, cause, in reality, I do need all the help and instruction I can get and if I don’t start using what’s available, these projects of mine will never see the light.

Now, folks, it’s taken me years to grow up and stop self-beating for about everything, but I have to be honest because I’ve assessed this with sincerity: that fucking attitude of mine is plain arrogance, disguised as something else. The truth is, it comes from feeling I’m above “writing prompts” and above hundreds or thousands of aspiring authors and somehow my stuff is more special and I don’t need to do what everyone’s doing in forums, and in communities and…

You get the point.

Now, before you just hate me, two things:
- Being honest is not easy, I know for a fact most people won’t be. So take the above as a confession, as an attempt to defeat this stupid arrogance that has no real foundation, for I’m the newbie of newbies and I know it.
- I think this has a root in other seemingly “unrelated” things that reside in my subconscious and have been sabotaging me for years; perhaps joining me in my analysis may be an interesting exercise for you too.
So taking all of this into account, I started pondering, very seriously: “why am I acting like this, if it’s evidently counter-productive?” And also “have I been doing this in other aspects of my life?” “In other projects, maybe?”

Short answer: “Yes”. Also, I happen to know at least a part of what’s lurking in the subconscious mind that’s affecting me like this, and it’s not something I like to talk about but here we go.

Show these motherfuckers!

“Tough Boy” Original A.I Art

So this guy right here is a big part of my personality.

“Seriously? A tough guy?”

Yes, maybe you find me quite melancholic, I am that as well xD. But yeah, this ‘tough boy persona’, who’s a part of me, has been playing some tricks and I have exposed him.

In honor of our story together and the huge help this “tough-boy Josue” has been, let me tell you a little about him and why he’s such a strong part of this troubled mind of mine. Do you know, or could you imagine where tough people come from?

Answer: Tough people comes from tough places.

And yes, there’s just so much to my personal story, at least in the part of my life where I couldn’t really manage or decide, that it could become a series of articles. But the thing is, as soon as I became an independent adult, even with the serious health, financial and emotional problems I dragged from earlier stages of my life, I decided no one was gonna fuck with me ever again. Not only that, but I also decided that the world was majorly a hostile place for me, and I would get from it what I wanted even if I had to force it to hand it over to me.

Sounds familiar?

I know this is a cliche, the cliche of the damaged person who decides never to be a victim again and in becoming epic, also becomes unreachable, unreachable, and oftentimes, unwanted.

To me, this wasn’t a “stage” of early adulthood, it was probably how I was during my 20’s and the beginning of my 30s (I’m 36). I got used to this because it wasn’t only an emotion, it became my lifestyle: courageous, charging forward, an excess for effort, muscle, hard work, relentless… But also, often times reckless, overly self-centered, and hostile. And I did get the benefits of becoming ‘the tough guy’; I’ve been able to do many things that destructive people around me considered “impossible” and I’ve felt amazingly great seeing them from afar, confused and stale where they’ve always been and will probably always stay. All of this while I continue to move, while I charge ahead.

Now, the fact that I’m now able to see myself with more critical eyes, and understand sort of the “archetype” represented by this part of my personality, doesn’t mean I condemn myself for being this way: I accept and love that tough boy, he’s helped me a great deal and others around me as well because hidden in his hostility, he’s got a heart that wants to help others, especially the damaged ones. Without his violence and his strength, I wouldn’t be me, and I accept myself and really like it, nowadays.

But that doesn’t mean I’m blind to his shortcomings, and some of the consequences of using this guy so much are becoming obstacles for me.

There’s A World Beyond The Fight

“A world to be explored” Original A.I Art

What happens to a soldier, after the war is won?

My life story required a soldier and a very epic one. But see the thing is, I got attached to that character, to that version of myself that brought me so many victories, so much satisfaction, who protected and provided, who endured the worst times. But this soldier is now facing a time he was not built for, a time of peace, a time of quietness, a time of beauty, a time of exploring new things and by the way, a time he bought with blood and tears.

The tough boy has been in a crisis of meaning for a few years now.

And what’s growing in me, is a different animal. It’s still part soldier because I will never let go of that, but I need to integrate it with a philosopher, an artist, a thinker, and a businessman because these other “auxiliary” parts of me are no longer the “auxiliary” ones but the ones taking precedence.

So among many other things, I will not brute-force my way into writing a good book, recording a decent music demo, or developing a voice worth listening to. All of these new things, require me to connect with others, learn from others, and accept the possibility that others hold many of the keys I’ve been desperately trying to find.

It’s time for bravery to give way to humbleness, and violence, to wisdom.

And in that sense, the words of Dr. Peterson echo strongly in my current midnight (not a metaphor, it’s literally 12:36 A.M.), listening to jazz noir and feeling very tired, and also very satisfied that I’m tired for the right reasons.

And let me finish with this: I will go through that whole Udemy writing course, and I will start again being engaged in writer forums and communities and actually read what others are doing, helping them review and also asking for their reviews and their feedback, even if it’s hard to hear. This is now a public commitment with you, my wonderful readers; actually, I published my first exercise from that course, it’s called Blue Door in case you’d like to read it.

Friends, I’m learning, every day, dying a “small death” every day, and watching something new come to life every day. We’re humans, we’re wonderful creatures capable of reinventing ourselves, capable of deciding to become someone better than yesterday and if I die tomorrow I’ll go with a smile.

Much love and blessings to you all.

J.V
Stoic Salad

November 14th, 2022

“Stoic Salad” A.I Render

I’ve been dropping weight gradually, it was one of my big goals for 2022 and I’ve achieved it! So I don’t dine at night now, and I feel so good about it. But when I do, I’d rather have soup or a salad! It’s gentler food, and you go to sleep feeling balanced rather than feeling heavy and burdened.

So, this is part of why I’m entitling this post “Stoic Salad”, cause it’s a good post for your mental health, but also it’s a salad, a blend of ingredients: some classic stoicism will be the predominant flavor, but I’m adding some of my own discoveries, my treasures from introspection.

Ambition and Peace: Friends or foes?

I’ve seen a trend in Instagram and TikTok, maybe not a massive trend, but nevertheless one that I’m actually glad it’s occurring, a rediscovery of stoicism. I’ve heard very interesting podcasts and follow several accounts that regularly post quotes from Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and other philosophical luminaries. I believe it’s worth listening to them, as the relevancy of their reflections is ever-current.

I’m not going to even try to teach you philosophy, for I’m not a master in this area, but I feel comfortable telling you how it helps me. See, the word “stoic” is often used to describe a condition of apathy or numbness, but this is not what philosophical stoicism is. Stoicism is more about acceptance and being able to understand and control emotions, and here’s where I feel it becomes too relevant to our digital life nowadays: people often seem not to be able to control emotions! Digital marketers and news agencies know this and often post misleading, incendiary titles to posts and articles because they know that those are statistically going to drive the most engagement; and there’s a tension, a frustration that’s awaiting to be released against other unknown people, which also makes our interactions via Social Media a tremendous amplifier for propaganda and ideology: indeed a rather dangerous predicament at a society level.

Stoicism reminds us of our position in the world, the position of others and the often overlooked capacity we humans have of just letting things happen without taking a big emotional toll from them. You’ve probably heard the maxim “memento mori” or “remember death”; what does it mean? Well, no matter how optimistic you are, you know you will eventually die, it comes as no surprise to most, I hope. Now, how’s our acceptance or denial of this fact, and how do we allow it to impact our perception of life? Stoicism identifies that the state of denial regarding death, leaving it as a taboo subject that’s grim to think or talk about, to be cause of many lifes going to waste. For many people, they just allow years to go by with not a lot of progress, not a lot of meaning, not a lot of accomplishment and eventually, this will start causing despair. If we make it a daily habit to “remember death” we will always have in our consciousness a frame of reference for our actions and reactions that can really change things: how relevant is this? Is it worth my time? Is it worth my effort? In the long run, how worthy is this subject, this person, this offense, this conflict, this pain I’m going through? Is it worth this much attention, this much focus? Could it be dealt with in a way that takes me closer to peace, to serenity?

“Memento Mori” A.I + Human Collab

For me, remembering death means also, “stay humble” even in my greatness; for there’s a greatness in human industry and ingenuity, there’s something extremely beautiful about the capacity we have to create, to imagine, and to manifest abstraction into reality. But, as hard as it is to hear, both you who make an effort to be extraordinary and the mediocre person that keeps criticizing you and trying to pull you down out of envy, you’re going to end up facing the same final fate: death. So how relevant is it, is it worth any attention at all, is it worth your anger, your sadness, your hatred?

I’ll tell you what it means to me: every single second in this life is too precious to be wasted in petty things; every single smile, every single tear, every single moment of rest, of work, of gentleness, of conflict, of uncertainty is to be savored! It’s life in all it has to offer and it will end. Can I look back and smile when I see how plentiful my life was? How I chose to make the most out of each day? How I chose to feel and to react to what I can’t control? This is my desire once I’m holding death’s hand and transitioning, I want to experience death when the time comes without any dread or regret of not having experienced life properly.

Much love and blessings, friends.

J.V
Writing vs. Writing – Part I

October 1st, 2022

I never realized how special a writer is until I started giving it serious attention

Today I’m writing about writing.

Yeah, that’s right, and while we’re at it, it’s a bit of an exercise in procrastination to help me deal with the overwhelming paralysis I feel right now, concerning, well…. writing.

I brought myself a nice cup of cognac my wife gave me for my birthday (hey, it’s in 21 days but it’s so good that I think it will not last until the 21st), and chose again to listen to Liszt since it’s proven so gentle to my brain, took my dog to his bed so I’m alone and uninterrupted, killed a freaking fly that was driving me crazy and finally ended with all potential distractors and set my mind into developing my serial story I plan to start publishing short-to-midterm. I just stared at the screen, confused; how is it possible that I don’t know what to do? I’ve been viewing a lot of YouTube videos, taking the whole 2020 collection of Bran Sanderson’s lecture on fantasy and sci-fi writing (highly recommended, link here: )

I’ve been reading short stories, and a couple novels, taking notes of it all, building worksheets with new vocabulary, and viewing shows that develop stories with elements in common with what I want to do: folks I’m going deeper and deeper every day into my project of becoming an author, I’m dead serious about it.

But still, I read it somewhere that “the difference between an aspiring author and an author, is actually sitting down and writing”; or something to that effect. And it’s so basic for so true, but folks it’s by no means an easy task.

This morning while I was showering I came up with so many ideas, I took the whole series way deeper than I expected in my head, but I sit down and… nothing. It’s like I feel the angst that blocks me and I start wanting to do different things; so what I did was download a couple character development templates and start working on that; it’s not the same as writing a scene (I started episode #1 last week so there’s been some progress) but it’s working in the preparation for the story so I’m OK with that, filling up a comprehensive questionnaire about my characters is also helping me realize dark spots in my story plan and the need to be more thorough.

I guess an additional complication that’s playing emotional tricks on me, is that the story is inspired by a rather unusual series of events that happened in my life when I was a teenager, events that turned around every notion I had of my future and so it has a huge emotional weight in me, even more than 15 years after. Why would that be, I wonder? I wish I didn’t feel any old pains, life always has plenty of them to offer 🙂

In any case, I realize by writing this I’m actually not writing the story I meant to sit down and advance today, so I’m leaving you to face my demons. Wish me luck fellows!

J.V