jjosuminded

Hi all, I chose to listen to this music while I write today, because I feel like there’s depth in it, I feel it connects me with my journey as well.

I told you I’m changing, and the blog will change with me; but there’s an essence to each person and that will either attract you or repel you, I believe my essence will only grow stronger, and cleansed as I progress.

I feel like I’ve been hoarding so much, for so long and I’m sick of it and because of it: intoxicated. I’m stuck because I’ve been petty, but then it’s also true that I’ve been petty because I’ve been obsessed, and that obsession comes from pain, and fear. And fear is the path to the dark side.

Some go to a priest to confess their sins, I’ll let my readers know mine.

Become

When I speak about hoarding, I don’t mean material posessions, not in my case at least. Me, I hoard knowledge, I hoard effort, I hoard time, I hoard vitality and strength, I hoard wisdom and empathy, and the worst of all, I hoard love, or the potential of love.

I hadn’t realized, and today I was listening to someone in a video speak about polarity and about completing circuits and thus keeping the proper flow of energy, how blockages come from accumulation, and exhaustion from giving too much: imbalances.

See, I was raised in the guilt of religion. I avoid feeling guilt like the plague and I’m not confessing this because I feel guilty, it’s because I feel is wonderful to realize it. Because it will also lead me into action.

It’s like, I’m always preparing for something, studying for something, holding myself for the right time, the right moment when I will shine, my moment. I’m very serious about it, about what I do and I don’t think that’s wrong.

But then, I begin feeling stuck, I begin feeling overwhelmed, I being feeling paralized. Why?

Because I’m absorbing so much and giving out so little, that’s why.

I have been afraid, of not being ready, of harming people, of being ridiculed, misjudged, not causing the impact I could and a lot more.

And, don’t get me wrong, being me is super hard and it’s exhausting; I forgive myself for not knowing what to do and when, but does it make sense to realize it and keep doing the same? I think not.

So here’s the gist of it, like so many people I’ve fell for years in a rather nasty trap, I’ve worked and yearned to become someone and something great. And what I have obtained from it is punishment; whose punishment?

My own.

While I strive to become something that pleases the distorted whims of my damaged subsconscious mind, I’ve held my true self in a prison of impossible expectations.

The Child

See, the image of a child is something rather sacred to me, even more now as I’m a father a view things from the perspective of a father.

My son, Lorenzo, he’s about to turn 9. His worldview is full of possibility, his expectations are all and nothing, it’s really not easy to let him down because he’s quite satisfied with who he is and what his life is: I can really tell. Lorenzo is not concerned about pretty much anything, other than the orders he receives from his mom and me, and we often need to create the discomfort for his life to be a little challenging, because that’s also important.

He will not always be like this, and I feel rather accomplished as a father that he’s about to turn 9 and still he’s so innocent and kind-hearted. But even when he learns suffering, I believe he will have a shelter in his childhood memories, in the love of his parents and the confidence of accepting himself and being surrounded by those who accept him.

It saddens me to know that not all children have this.

But I guess my little detour here aims to illustrate something I need to tell you, because talking to you, my readers, is part of what I am and what I have been denying. And this is what I want to say:

The child you were, can carry the light you need to see when you’re lost and confused.

I had a shitty childhood folks, and I’m saying this because I know, for some people this is a topic to avoid and I want to tell you something: it’s not your fault, you had the right to receive love and protection as a child, that was the right thing, and it was a correct expectation to have. It’s not your fault if your parents were inmature or even evil; please make an effort to restore that child to his dreams before being stolen of childhood, because in this child there’s a key to who you are.

And for those of you lucky enough to have had a nice, or even “normal” childhood, this is for you as well:

The child was a lot closer to the Design, to your true Will, to the desire of your heart. Remember what the child liked, what the child wanted and some answers will pop up.

It’s funny, because after so much self discovery, writing on journals, writing poetry, crying, praying, feeling lonely, feeling powerless and all my identity crises I ended up discovering that I need to do exactly as I did as a child:

• I had a notebook in which I wrote stories and poems.
• I dreamed about singing for a crowd.
• Even as a teen, I was all about music, theatre and philosophy, about thought and humanities.

Well that’s me, that’s what the adult me has been fightining for many times and against many more. And this is why two years ago at age 35 I decided I was going to build a real plan, with financial planning, time planning and the works, to go for it and this is why I created this blog. I have told you this before.

But there’s one more thing about this child, a deeper one, one that got shattered when adults betrayed my trust, one that got darkened when I expected love and was given despair:

This child cared for people, and wanted to help people. This child would listen to those who no one would listen to, and would encourage those that seemed not to have any encouragement.

And behind all that I can do as far as publishing articles, books, engaging in artistic or intellectual projects, which I love to do, it’s my desire to bring love and light and strength to those who have been broken like I was.

And there are some who were lucky, and were not broken or at least not as bad as others. And I have been so blessed, that even to those who have had so much, I have something to give: a spark to ignite your heart to find and fulfill your purpose, your potential and live meaningfully.

That’s in me, that’s me.

As of today, I will start planning how I can share with others, the light that was given to me; and I’ll keep you posted as I progress, for this is truly my Great Work.

Much love to you.

J.V