Abruptly, as it’s customary in tropical climates, the heatwave that was now making each work day seem like a sticky mirage, turned into sudden, violent rainstorms.
I’d rather have the rainy days.
And coincidentally, those beautiful dark days that come as an early omen of a long winter (rainy season here to be precise) , begin one day after I decided to write again at night; so what used to be the “Late Night Journal” now becomes the “Night Journal”, just because my current efforts break out of the 9-5 work cycle don’t grant me the luxury of getting to be the bohemian writer whose window is lit when everyone else is sleeping.
At least not right now….
Why and how?
Historically, the “Late Night Journal” section of this blog is the one with the most followers, I find this amazing and beautiful because it’s also the most personal section.
I purposely stopped writing in 2023, or rather I *paused* it for the sake of focus and to engage in a struggle to ensure I can dedicate to writing and other artistic/cultural projects in the future. So this year, I decided no matter what happened, I had to keep two jobs and save X%/month until I reach “Y” total amount, where “Y” is this completely lifechanging amount of money that could help “sponsor myself” to develop my projects without being worried about bills.
Because of how obsessive I am, I’m not only double-working, but I’m also building an e-commerce business and starting to build an online learning course catalog in technology, since this is an area I’m experienced in. Now, before you judge me too hard, and this is not something I often use to communicate, I am what you would call “gifted” while also autistic and this gives me the ability to live in isolation while also doing many things at the same time; this also brings a lot of challenges since I often feel quite the failure and nothing I do is ever enough, because if I’m “gifted” I should also be changing the world somehow rather than juggling jobs and fighting for weird projects only I care about, right? That site I linked (https://rainforestmind.com/) explains these predicaments and if you’re a gifted adult or know one who’s going through some crisis due to their peculiar mind I’d recommend you to read this therapist, Paula Prober; I don’t read her super often but my wife does and it’s been thanks to my wife that I’ve grown to learn more about myself (and about my son who’s got the same situation).
In any case, these activities are taking all of my current life (I wrote about it in my previous come back post, but I guess in less detail and a more motivational fashion). And yet, I decided it was time to come back to writing!
A quest: For me, for others
All throughout my struggles, there’s always a point where I stop and I breath and realize the outcome of this will help myself and help others. I believe I’ve written about this before, but one of the pains that give direction to my life is wasted lives and wasted potential.
I believe people come in many different shapes and flavors, but everyone has a talent that’s of divine origin, something God-given, something beyond flipping burgers or writing code to fix the latest bug.
Don’t get me wrong, we need all of those chores to be completed, we need everyone’s work and contribution to society, but aren’t we something beyond our function, no matter how critical this may be? See, I don’t believe any single human being is meant to be a gear in the machine and then go to waste and be replaced, I refuse to and it’s been like this since I was a kid, it’s been a very existential discussion with myself.
I have fought for many years against my current role in society (a cyber security specialist), feeling I’m misplaced but then also feeling guilty about hating my job because it’s also such a blessing. Quite a contradiction! I have been unemployed and in harms way in the past, I’ve known the horrible situation of lacking the basic assurances an adult needs to have for himself and his family, I know this first hand! So I decided that there’s no way I will hate my job, or condemn my life as a worker bee while I achieve something better, nor will I judge others for seeking the comfort of basic personal and household security.
I used to listen attentively to a certain breed of “entrepreneurs” who would actually criticize working class people; their narrow thought is similar to that of a religious sect and they surround themsleves with a bunch of entrepreneurial wannabes that just repeat their distorted “struggle and pain” doctrines like parrots without noticing how unreasonable they are. I used to be very affected by people like these, and thought they were right and I was just too weak, but you know what? All these people would be nothing without us worker bees! Yeah that’s right!
- We buy the stuff they produce
- We use the services they offer
- We work in their companies, we make their dreams a reality
- We approve of their ideas or bury them in Social Media
- We hold their livelihood in our hands, we’re just not conscious of it oftentimes!
It’s nonsense for a successful entrepreneur to despise the same people they are always trying to please via tremendous marketing and product engineering efforts. Luckily, it’s just a bunch of big-mouthed ones that have this toxic behavior, I think many great business people are mindful of how important the ordinary citizen is for their own lives and businesses and how a real measure of success for any great business person is their ability to satisfy and improve the lifes of us, the “ordinary people”.
So yeah, I know this was a detour, but it’s important for me to communicate that I respect and endure this stage of being inserted in the gears and cogs and not being quite distinguishable among them. It’s a test of endurance for me, and a blessing as well, I’m proud of my origins because they make my struggle much more valuable and much more epic.
But I also know I want out; I don’t think that’s everyone’s fate, as a matter of fact I know many who would never think about it because they have found a good life within the gears and cogs and that’s quite frankly, most people. And many times I envy them, but lately I’ve come to understand such envy is also nonsense because I would never be able to force myself into fitting something other than my own shape.
So, I came recently to a very tough crossroads:
I’m working to pay for my own opportunity, for my own shot at culture and arts, this is my dream, my plan and I believe in it, so much that I’m making a brutal effort to make it happend no matter what. At the same time, every day, month, week that I focus in making money to fund my own project I’m losing contact with the end goal and feel sucked into being a money-making machine. Talk about one fucked up paradox!
And while I can only devote a fraction of time to my life goal compared to what I’m fighting for, I will make the time each week (if possible each night) to write something; this is my lifeline to my dream, to the future I’m building. In this blog, the two worlds in dispute for my heart collide.
How is this quest related to others?
I have a firm belief that society is, for the most part, sick.
It’s illness is related to a lack of individual awareness and purpose, as humans we will always create systems, this is inevitable and it’s (for better or worse) the “engine of civilization”; systems as we know them in the age of computing, are perfectly ordered machines comprised of components dedicated each to its own function, replaceable, upgradeable.
Ever since the ancient civilizations, the rulers among mankind have strived to build systems, while facing the huge challenge that humans have their own heart and desire and will only become a gear or a cog in someone’s system if they have a reason and motivation to do so. This is why the history of mankind is so full of violence, because coercion is a foundational means to make people work for a “common goal” which could be re-written as “the goal of a ruler who needs a lot of people to achieve it”.
With time (not without horrible exceptions), force as a means of uniting people towards a goal has given way to deception as the primary means of doing so; the larger the system and the most benefits, the less effort to sell this idea that your best contribution to mankind is being a perfect consumer and “model citizen”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pure agent of chaos, but I’m a dissident of human dignity. I’d rather see individuals fulfilled imperfectly than helping perfectly organized prisons of efficiency and comfort.
This is a much larger topic, and it will certainly require more articles to address it, but I believe my own path and the effort I’m doing to expand myself to my full potential can become guidance for others willing to undergo personal transformation, I said before that I’m not a pure agent of chaos, I’d rather see myself as an agent of hope and deliberance.