Night Journal: The Tree

Folks, this post may be a turning point in the lifespan of this blog.

This is representative of my inner world of course, “as offline, so online”; and I’m only understanding more and more as I write these first sentences, this blog (which I was about to delete a few months back) had the sole purpose of recording the outcomes of a process that’s been developing for a long, painful time: The Tree.

My emotions feel like water in a dam that’s cracking, and the walls can barely hold the waters, it leaks and exerts pressure from the inside as it announces it’ll violently unleash the waters far beyond what contained it up to this day. Walls have become ineffective because they were built to contain something far different than what its now pushing forward, far less developed and less abundant.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been contemplating the issue of pain (in general, nothing specific) and in this ongoing event in my life I can see that a huge engine for deep transformation has been my extensive experience in pain. So it’s kinda all coming together, I wasn’t even thinking on writing today, I came back to the office to resume studying math cause I’m super behind in my studies; but hey, I have to listen to my true desire as well; now that I began I’m going to dedicate some time to numbers and be back to finish this later.

OK turns out I got severely sidetracked by a topic I’ investigating and forgot to study math. Don’t judge me too hard 😦 .

It’s… beyond this world

That’s what makes it hard. To navigate, to accept and to talk about it.

See the thing is, I consider myself a very sceptic individual by nature. I hate religion, I hate organized deception, I hate propaganda, I hate “wishful thinking”, I hate self-delusion, I hate mass delusion, I hate the fact that a majority of people can’t come to an acceptance of what they are, how they’re wrong and also that fact that it’s possible to change, to improve.

So I hate a lot of things, things related mainly to the obstruction of truth; now the underlying reasons of this hate are plentiful and not quite the subject of this article, although very probably I’ll talk about it in future posts.

So the thing I’m trying to convey here is: I don’t consider myself a gullible person, I hate the idea of getting enthusiastic about something just because it sounds like what I want to hear, I’l; take a horrible bitter truth over any cinnamon-pie-flavored bullshit.

In the past this has led me to an extreme, to be extremely rational in my way of analyzing things and quite frankly, mocking superstition in others. I’m seriously trying to be a better person and not harming others, even if I’m insulted by their beliefs, but I’m confessing to an ugly sin here. It’s tough.

But you know what they say, right? “Karma is a bitch”.

OK maybe not the most spiritual statement but you know what I mean. For a number of years, I’ve had to reformulate what I understand about reality, about life and meaning. But not because of how much of a philosopher I am, I mean those of you who read me probably know this: I’m an engineer. Cybersecurity is super demanding, you got to keep learning and updating your knowledge constantly, you get calls at odd hours, you need commitment. So it’s not like I’m a philosopher, professor or spiritual leader who actually gets to use their work time to clear their existential doubts; I envy people in those professions to a certain extent but it is what it is, on the other hand my career is a blessing and it’s, now that I’m a ‘senior’, allowing me to dedicate more time for myself which I desperately needed for over a decade.

But the reason I spoke about karma is because it’s quite possible that now it’s me who people are going to look awkwardly. Because I’m awakening to something that I can’t quite put my finger on, and I’m being forced to investigate and listen and open my mind and heart to people and teachings I would have never considered to be relevant.

Now the reason why I’m forced, it’s something that I can’t really (or more honestly -don’t want-) discuss as of yet; it’s like you know, if you’re going through a breakup you may post about what learnt from it years later or if you’re struggling with alcohol, etc. It’s not comfortably to real your struggles as they happen; and mine doesn’t have an explanation in the physical world, it was imposed to me since I was a child and it has been with me ever since and I’m sick of turning a blind eye to it and try to “move on with my life”. Because you know what? I could do that for 40+ more years I could probably be on this Earth and then die, and I would have accomplished very little if I refused the problematic that for one reason or another I’m forced to confront.

I promise when I’m on the other side of the bridge, I’ll write about it quite openly.

A New Blog

One thing I’m certain of, is that what’s happening in me will also bring changes to the content I produce: it’s kinda obvious, isn’t it?

I believe this blog will start to become more and more interesting; now let me give you a brief list of things I think about what this blog has meant to me personally so far:

My first real attempt to reach out and connect with similar souls: as I progress into my spiritual research (*not sure what else to call it), this subject of connecting with kindred souls/spirits becomes more relevant so it begun without me knowing about it.
My humble personal platform to communicate my thoughts and experiences: no matter how confused I have been, I’ve always believed since I opened this blog that I have treasures to share and things that could help others. So this has been a way to give in a sense, and I hope you’ve felt something positive or learnt something while reading it, even it’s only a very weird point of view on things no one thinks about, LOL, that’s always a good thing to have.
A window to display some of my poetry: I’m actually working on putting together an original poetry book (I’m about 75% completion now); if it wasn’t because I started daring to publish some poems here, I would have never made it this far as to being very close to publishing.
An outlet for my feelings: If you’ve read me for a while, you know I’m a loner; and I truly appreciate every single time a person reads my posts. Thanks for reading me, I acknowledge that a person’s time is precious, and I’m humbled by the fact that people read me.
A tool for finding myself: That’s kind of the closing statement out of these 5. This blog has been part of a much larger process which deals with me finding myself, my purpose, my design; in that it’s invaluable and I regret even thinking in shutting it down, I should honestly never do it even if some of my books or tprojects become known, I should keep this one.

But now that I accepted the challenge for the second time (yes, there was a ‘phase 1’ many moons ago, more on that later), I’m going deeply into it and won’t come out empty-handed. So, what I foresee is that this blog will become a journal of questions, potential answers and more questions, because I keep being a sceptic 🙂

You have joined me in my path to discover myself an individual, now join me as I try to find how this path and this individual fits into a number of mysteries that surround us all; maybe we get to be good company and help each other in that journey.

Big hug.
J.V

jjosuminded