Do you follow this blog? Did you like content I wrote back in the day?

If the answer is “yes” then I apologize to you, because as you know, I’ve been absent for quite some time now. But I never intended to drop this project, nor do I intend to do so, ever. It will probably change with time, I mean, that’s the dynamic nature of this realm; but this blog was conceived as a primary means to open my mind and my heart to the world and that is an ongoing effort until the day I die.

So I wanted to say: “hi!”

I’m back, and I have been really busy. Let me tell you about it.

Imprisoned

It sounds negative, but it’s not as bad as it sounds; I’ve been in prison. I find it hard that my anti-system claims will ever be so violent as to send me to actual jail, but I have been in a “voluntary reclusion” if you may, and it’s been quite similar to what being in a relatively humane, low-sec prison would be like:

• I get to exercise
• I get to prepare myself in the library and have access to studies
• I get so see my family
• I get to decide about how I employ my time, but I’m not free to move where I want to

That’s as far as that metaphor goes, and it crumbles rather quickly when I go into the specifics, hehe, I’ve been very focused in making money and that’s one of the things you won’t typically do from prison.

Ever since I started drafting my life plan (of which this blog is an important step) and working on it, I knew there was going to be much struggle because it requires me to change the layout of my entire life, the direction of my efforts and even it pushes me to acquire new expertise. My aim is to dedicate the rest of my life to the development of ideas and projects, intellectual, artistic, works to share my inner world.

But how does one do this, if one desires to go “all-in”? After all, wouldn’t many wish to live a good life, in their own terms, doing what they like the most?

At my age, most people I know have long resigned to anything ressembling this ideal, and the sour truth is, later it will be seen as “just a part of life”.

I’m very rebelious and I won’t be satisfied with such bullshit. Now, I have to state this that I have understood: I don’t judge people who would accept and make peace with what they are and with continuing the path of least resistance; as long as you’re cultivating love and making a positive impact around you, I can understand having to drop painful, heavy burdens in order to live a better life and there are still lots of things that can be accomplished.

But as I said, I’m stubborn and rebelious, oftentimes much to my own harm. As I write this, I feel a big watery hole in my chest, turbulent, eager to pour into tears. I know I have to embark on an adventure soon and this is moving me to do all that I’m doing.

And, leaving figures of speech aside for a moment, what I’m doing is working my ass off, two jobs plus trying to get some side hustles up and running and build a good money-making machine that would eventually give me some capital to invest and some passive income to begin my intellectual and artistic adventure. I’m making a deal with the uncertain future to become my own patron, and fund my own art; and it’s painful as fuck and cruel, quite often:

• Because there’s no guarantee
• Because it drains an unrecoverable part of my time and youth (or whatever remains of it)
• Because it corners me to choose between important things, and to hurt myself and others
• Because it’s high-risk, the default motion of life is against it
• Because it takes terrible amounts of time, frustration, patience
• Because the unforeseen of life comes like a thief and steals a big part of my effort and I have to start over

And I feel so stupid, so often.

I’m also a long-time fan of video games, and that’s why I named this one article “Continue…?”. Do you recall feeling tired, eyes burning, having been kicked your ass by that level’s boss 5 times in a row but you just can’t help pressing the “Continue” button?

Well that’s me right now, except this is no fucking game.

The Unrestrainable Within

So in my seemingly endless conviction, I’ve come to realize something that many a notable ex-convict has realized: the seeds purpose root strongly while in captivity; such a paradox, and still such a powerful truth!

• Much of St. Pauls work and the whole Revelations book was written in prison by St. John
• Don Quixote was partly written in prison
• While convicted and trialed, Socrates stated the most impactful thoughts he enunciated that reached us through Plato
• Prison strenghtened the movements and ideas of change-bringers like Gandhi or Mandela

And I’m sure even if you don’t like some of these characters, you can get my point that prison doesn’t need to be the demise of an individual, but can actually bring maturity and endurance that will be much useful when once the barred gate is finally open.

And so, today with this article: “Continue” I’m walking in my purpose and path within myself, from prison, so that you will know who I am both in captivity and freedom.

I’m eager to once again reach my hand out to yours from behind the bars, and touch it once again later, in a sunny day outside!

Good evening! Tonight I’m writing an early night journal, actually, but I need to honor the section name. I’m quite tired and I’m not sure why; it may be cause my wife and kid have been sick, and I’m probably getting sick as well 😦

It’s been a while since I don’t write one of these, and I will keep doing it, it’s just since I’m always exploring things, it’s hard to keep a discipline or habit like writing an entry daily. I need to improve on that.

There has been a lot going on ever since my last entry, new posts in different sections of this blog, I’ve also joined several online writer communities in an expectation of learning more about this life, things like:

• Plotting stories
• Literature critique
• Publishing and others

My aim is to publish some of my work as books eventually. So I guess that’s another update (not sure if I mentioned it before), I’m working on two book projects:

• One is a poem compilation, very personal and deep
• The other is a psychological horror-thriller (novel)

So yeah, it’s not easy to get started with these, or even worst, maybe getting started is not the real issue, but taking them to completion is. And, the more I read from others and meet people with similar interests, the less unique I feel and the more lost in an ocean of ideas, styles, stories, and thousands of people who want the same things as I do (or similar).

Now, I guess that sounded a bit grumpy or negative, but it’s not. I’m looking for this exactly, a more objective perspective on what’s the amount of effort it will take me to write a book, publish it and make it successful. It’s hard, but also I believe you need to seek trouble, struggle, be hurt, feel discouraged, and then find meaning in continuing that road that’s required so much from you. Who knows, maybe I end up enjoying it, maybe I will meet people whom I’d really like and acquire a lot of collateral benefits as it happens often. I’m feeling a bit down about all this tonight, I tried to write something I really wanted to complete and my mind just wouldn’t react, blocked. It felt like crap. Sorry fellows, sometimes you just need to let it out 😦

OK I seriously need to change subjects to something more lightweight, you know a little drama and a little entertainment. So I’m excited because I discovered Twitch, yes believe it or not, and for a kid raised in the 90’s, when Super Nintendo was cutting edge technology, being able to play extremely realistic games and also comment on them and show them to the world, it’s simply amazing. Initially, I was resistant to change and I kept playing “nostalgia” games from the past, but come on, that’s nonsense! I mean, I still love those little games, but the people developing them were dreaming on being able to create what we play nowadays and didn’t have the technology to do so; it’s like people who insist on driving manual cars because that’s somehow more badass, nah, things change and if we don’t, then we’re just left behind.

So I’ll leave you with a very tough mission I passed during the weekend (commented as I play it, of course), the game is Death Stranding, and I will write about it in a later article, I decided to create a new section on Video Games. You know, it’s my blog, my kingdom, my will be done ;D

Cheers!

J.V