I’ve been dropping weight gradually, it was one of my big goals for 2022 and I’ve achieved it! So I don’t dine at night now, and I feel so good about it. But when I do, I’d rather have soup or a salad! It’s gentler food, and you go to sleep feeling balanced rather than feeling heavy and burdened.
So, this is part of why I’m entitling this post “Stoic Salad”, cause it’s a good post for your mental health, but also it’s a salad, a blend of ingredients: some classic stoicism will be the predominant flavor, but I’m adding some of my own discoveries, my treasures from introspection.
Ambition and Peace: Friends or foes?
I’ve seen a trend in Instagram and TikTok, maybe not a massive trend, but nevertheless one that I’m actually glad it’s occurring, a rediscovery of stoicism. I’ve heard very interesting podcasts and follow several accounts that regularly post quotes from Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and other philosophical luminaries. I believe it’s worth listening to them, as the relevancy of their reflections is ever-current.
I’m not going to even try to teach you philosophy, for I’m not a master in this area, but I feel comfortable telling you how it helps me. See, the word “stoic” is often used to describe a condition of apathy or numbness, but this is not what philosophical stoicism is. Stoicism is more about acceptance and being able to understand and control emotions, and here’s where I feel it becomes too relevant to our digital life nowadays: people often seem not to be able to control emotions! Digital marketers and news agencies know this and often post misleading, incendiary titles to posts and articles because they know that those are statistically going to drive the most engagement; and there’s a tension, a frustration that’s awaiting to be released against other unknown people, which also makes our interactions via Social Media a tremendous amplifier for propaganda and ideology: indeed a rather dangerous predicament at a society level.
Stoicism reminds us of our position in the world, the position of others and the often overlooked capacity we humans have of just letting things happen without taking a big emotional toll from them. You’ve probably heard the maxim “memento mori” or “remember death”; what does it mean? Well, no matter how optimistic you are, you know you will eventually die, it comes as no surprise to most, I hope. Now, how’s our acceptance or denial of this fact, and how do we allow it to impact our perception of life? Stoicism identifies that the state of denial regarding death, leaving it as a taboo subject that’s grim to think or talk about, to be cause of many lifes going to waste. For many people, they just allow years to go by with not a lot of progress, not a lot of meaning, not a lot of accomplishment and eventually, this will start causing despair. If we make it a daily habit to “remember death” we will always have in our consciousness a frame of reference for our actions and reactions that can really change things: how relevant is this? Is it worth my time? Is it worth my effort? In the long run, how worthy is this subject, this person, this offense, this conflict, this pain I’m going through? Is it worth this much attention, this much focus? Could it be dealt with in a way that takes me closer to peace, to serenity?
“Memento Mori” A.I + Human Collab
For me, remembering death means also, “stay humble” even in my greatness; for there’s a greatness in human industry and ingenuity, there’s something extremely beautiful about the capacity we have to create, to imagine, and to manifest abstraction into reality. But, as hard as it is to hear, both you who make an effort to be extraordinary and the mediocre person that keeps criticizing you and trying to pull you down out of envy, you’re going to end up facing the same final fate: death. So how relevant is it, is it worth any attention at all, is it worth your anger, your sadness, your hatred?
I’ll tell you what it means to me: every single second in this life is too precious to be wasted in petty things; every single smile, every single tear, every single moment of rest, of work, of gentleness, of conflict, of uncertainty is to be savored! It’s life in all it has to offer and it will end. Can I look back and smile when I see how plentiful my life was? How I chose to make the most out of each day? How I chose to feel and to react to what I can’t control? This is my desire once I’m holding death’s hand and transitioning, I want to experience death when the time comes without any dread or regret of not having experienced life properly.
First of all, I’ve been absolutely neglecting this blog lately, probably because in the longer term I feel blogging a lot doesn’t align with my main goals and I have so little time and energy to dedicate to them that I’d probably want to really think how I manage my time.
But then, the things that I’m working on are so long-term, and so freaking mind-blowing that I feel even lonelier and more alienated than ever. And that’s saying a fucking lot because I’m probably one of the most isolated individuals you’ll read, I’m not kidding. So I know these things, these projects that live in my head are a real thing, a beautiful thing but then everything that surrounds me and what you’d call my reality screams: “Bullshit! You’ve got nothing!”. Fucking voices of discouragement, subconscious playing tricks on me.
So, you know, sorry for being so honest here, but the truth is I need to communicate something until I’m there, at that point where I will be communicating at a different level. So whoever you are who happens to find this little blog somehow and read it, please know that you’re important to me, you’re helping me pursue impossibilities that are worth every minute and every slight chance of becoming possibilities.
Why Ryan’s Picture?
In case you didn’t know, Ryan Karazija, the frontman of Low Roar passed away a few days back. And if you’ve read me before you probably know I’m a big fan of his music.
Ryan’s music was very personal and very deep in most cases; I connected with it immediately because I could feel his struggle, I could feel his uncertainty, and his hope, and I could feel how he knew his music was precious but unknown. Of course, that wasn’t the case the entire time but at the beginning, it was.
He died too young, but he was able to see outstanding achievements in his musical career, I hope he felt very satisfied with the outcome of his efforts and his love for music. I hate when people who’ve touched my soul leave this planet, I know such is the nature of life but it still saddens me and makes me feel lonelier for these strangers have been friends with my heart even if they will never know it. A few years back when Chris Cornell died I felt it very deeply as well.
But Ryan wrote this song “I’ll keep coming”; oh man, I’m almost crying just thinking about it, it’s such a beautiful sample of the human spirit and its struggle to transcend and overcome chaos. This song is an anthem for me and I chose it to be the soundtrack of this moment in my life where I’m so full of hope, and so much closer to my dreams but also surrounded by such anonymity and uncertainty.
Some progress
Well, I’ve made progress in my two books so for both of them the first draft of the respective first chapters is almost finished; seems super slow but it’s a big step for me and I’m sure I’ll become more fluent with time.
When it comes to the series “In the Wings of a Raven”, I’m writing my first piece on Kurt Cobain and it’s been quite a lot of research mainly because I want to be fair in my writing about people who are not here with us to tell us their thoughts any longer; for me, it’s risky, not cause I’m afraid of opinions but because I’m deeply respectful of human life and human dignity.
It’d be easy to write about Kurt and center it all on the more visible aspects of his public persona, while he was actually a very complex, talented, and sensitive individual who had too much on his mind until it became unbearable for him. I’m not done with the research nd I’ve started writing the story, I will post it here once it’s finished and you’ll tell me what you think about it.
By the way, below is an AI interpretation of Kurt dreaming of escaping from a dungeon, how do you feel about it?
I’m picking up my boy at school and walking home with him. He’s looking down, and I, I’m looking at anything but him; I’m thinking about other things, important grown-up things, things that worry me.
_ Inner me: “Why are we both silent? I would be asking him about his day or making jokes…. He seems quite pensive for a 7-year-old , and I’m acting as if he wasn’t even there.”
There but a few people around, since we’re taking the shortcut. Between school and our home, you can take two routes: the long route using the main street -but this neighborhood is so neglected that there’s hardly a decent sidewalk, so you’re gambling your life there while walking on the side of the street-. The short route is a trail, all there is is stones, dirt, and dust; a few scattered houses belonging to some wealthy people, and then the trail leads to a stable. Turning left and going downhill, there’s the entrance to the community where we live, barely middle-class but at least it’s not exposed to the slums further south.
_ Inner me: “This is where I grew up, that’s the school I attended, but I’m not the boy. Hold on, am I? No, I’m the parent, I’m a grown man now.”
I see the entrance to the community from afar, we’re near. In front of us across the street, there’s a pulpería1 and I just recalled I need to grab some onions, potatoes, butter, peppers… I don’t love the idea, vegetables are never fresh in pulperías but taking the bus to the supermarket is out of the question.
I’m paying and counting change, so I guess that’s taken care of, I need to grab the boy and go home.
The boy! Where did he go!
I start calling his name out loud. I feel palpitations, I can’t believe this is happening. What if he was abducted, what if he’s being held in that stable, or in one of those big houses?
I’m about to return to the trail where he probably lagged behind, maybe he’s still there.
But then I see him approaching, scared and looking down as before, but quickening his pace.
I don’t feel relief, I feel anger and fear. I’ve told him before about the danger that’s out there! What if he wanders again? What if he hadn’t returned?
I make him sit down in a step, at the entrance of the pulpería, and I start rebuking him: “how could you do this to me, how could you be so irresponsible, it’s so easy that someone will harm you, never do this again, you had me so worried!…” Words are now just a burst of anxiety and compulsion, I can’t stop blaming him, reproving him. Then I notice I have been slapping his hands for a while now, as I rebuke him.
_ Inner me: “What is happening here? that makes no sense, this makes me feel sorry. The look on his face, it’s like he doesn’t even understand my speech at all, his face shows shame, and his eyes are absent as if he just wants all of this to end soon. But he stays quiet, so quiet… he’s clearly afraid. Afraid of me! No, I’m not this kind of parent, but also, this boy doesn’t look like my son at all.”
There are people inside the pulpería, watching the scene, a man with a thick mustache, worn-down pants stained with paint just as his shoes are, and a filthy, half-open striped shirt, won’t stop glancing at us, and he finally makes a move: – “You need to stop now, you’re being abusive”. His eyes are fixed on me, he’s serious about it. I rise and take a step forward toward the man: “No, I will show you what violence is unless you mind your own business!”.
I can’t believe these people, this is why kids nowadays are so spoiled and rebellious, they need parents who care, parents that protect them from harm and that requires to exercise some strength. I’ve got to go, I hate people prying into the way I run my family. No one could understand where I’m coming from, no one could ever appreciate my efforts, as it has always been.
I take the boy and carry him on my back, it’s going to be tiring, but a father has to make sacrifices, someday I hope he understands these sacrifices, these kids don’t know that you’re actually giving up all your dreams, your youth, just to raise them. And then, they’re like scorpions eating their mom once they’re strong enough, like ravens plucking out your eyes after you’ve fed them.
_Inner me: “My head feels like it’s underwater, whatever this is makes me sad, this… feels familiar. There’s pain and pressure in my head as if I’m breathing this thick, poisoned water”.
We finally make it home. It took forever, it was supposed to be just a 5-minute walk, but it felt like hours; probably because of the additional weight on my back today, on account of this child. And I’ve always suffered from my spine!
I find my wife, she’s doing chores as usual. I approach and greet her, she would barely notice me, she’s just too busy, getting things shiny. I start telling her about all the distress I’ve just been through, and about how that filthy worker at the pulpería was so insolent to me, so violent! I could tell he was an immigrant, probably living in the slums downhill. People need to know their place!
She’s not interested, and she’s not upset either, she’s just annoyed that I’m speaking to her. I can tell she despises me; why is she always like this? She’s so irresponsible! When will she take charge of the responsibilities of raising this kid? She would never understand me, she doesn’t want to listen, she’s just as ungrateful as the boy!
_Inner me: “No, no she’s not. She’s sweet and caring, she just doesn’t appreciate all the fucking drama…”
The boy… The boy! Where’s the boy? I don’t recall him greeting his mother, but I was carrying him on my back, so that no one would take him away from me, ever. I remember that.
Then I realize what happened a while back: somehow I was going to carry him on my back, but I actually stored him inside the backpack. And now that I think about it, he hasn’t made a sound for quite some time. Is he still inside?
A sudden, sharp blow to my gut: -“Did I…”?
I rush back to the living room, I see the backpack, and open it quickly: there are books and notebooks and even an umbrella, but not the boy. The boy’s not there!
But wait. There’s a lunchbox, yes his lunchbox, but it’s barely large enough to store some crackers, an apple, and a sandwich. How could he be inside the lunchbox?
I take the lunch box in my hands and remove the lid: the boy is lying down inside, his eyes closed, his expression like that of a little angel, oh my sweet little angel! Look at him asleep inside the lunchbox!
_Inner me: “That’s an impossibility, that’s just ridiculous, yet somehow the boy is indeed inside the lunchbox. But, hold on, oh no no no, that kid’s not breathing, take him out! He’s not breathing!”.
I take him in my arms, my angel, and I softly place him in the sofa. I shake him a little to wake him up. He’s not waking up.
It’s like when you trap mice or insects and put them in jars, and close the lid tight but make no holes in it. If you leave them long enough they asphyxiate.
Oh no, my wife is going to hate me even more now! What will she say? What do I tell the whole family?
I know, I will just leave him in the living room and go upstairs quietly, she will eventually find him, call an ambulance and they will all think he died in his sleep somehow, and I will be just a grieving father. Yes, that’s it and then people will be sympathetic toward me, no one will blame me, and why would they? Honestly, it’s not like I did anything wrong, I’ve always cared for this boy more than anyone! This was an accident, this all happened because of his disobedience.
_Inner me: “Seriously, is this what you’re thinking about right now, monster?”.
There’s sunlight coming through the window, and I smell coffee… Oh shit is it morning already? I feel worse than when I went to bed.
OK time to get in motion.
Downstairs, in the kitchen, my wife’s preparing some eggs.
_”Morning ‘cosita’2”
_”Morning! Breakfast will be ready soon, so don’t even think about turning on that laptop, come sit down and chat with me.”
_”OK, fine, I will.”
My head is numb and I’m just staring at the table, I’m not a morning person at all.
_”Well, you’re not talkative as usual, had a rough night?”
Now that she brings up the subject, I’m sure I had some pretty disturbing dreams.
_”I think I did. Woke up feeling beat, and now that you mention it, I dreamed about something terrible. But not like horror movies, more like something sad and horrible from real life”.
She approaches with a black cup of joe and a plate with bread, sausages, and eggs, seems like my morning starts to improve exponentially, this looks so good!
_”Wanna talk about it?”
_”I would but I don’t remember much. But what’s really intriguing is that it’s all linked somehow to a sense of deep sadness, the same way I feel sometimes when the sun sets, remember I’ve told you about this before? Like having inhaled water. The other thing I remember is that it happened in my parents’ house, in the neighborhood where I grew up. Oh well! I’d rather just move on with the day, no use dwelling in the past, I’m going for that promotion!”
She just stares at me wearing a half smile, with a smooth blend of sincere sympathy and mild disappointment: she knows there are places I don’t like to visit, though she’d like me to.
_”OK fine, if you happen to remember more and want to talk later, I’ll be around. Oh, I almost forgot! Danielito was already inside the school bus and he came out running with this in his hand. He told me to give it to you. He’s into origami now, and this here is meant to be a brain. He says it’s because his mind and yours are so much alike! I can tell he’s proud of it”.
1Pulpería is Spanish for a small, grocery store in Central America.
2‘Cosita” is Spanish for a ‘small thing’, can be used as a sweet nickname.
“Bubbly-Mirror-Starry Soda – Part 1” This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it.
Man life is so exciting, so much exciting oh my God!
Partly, because I never expected to say this, like ever.
Partly because it’s just so full of beauty and things worth discovering.
No naiveness here folks, I know the other part of it, oh boy do I know the dungeons and the pits of this world, and even other hostile worlds. But that’s an even stronger reason to be excited and love the beautiful parts of it.
Let me begin this article by saying: 18 subscribers to my blog, oh my God! And the only one is family, lol, cause I’ve made sure not to tell my relatives to cause this is a side of me I don’t want to share with most of them. So that means 17 complete strangers read something I wrote one day and thought “well maybe this guy’s worth reading again later”. And you know what? I take it back, you’re not strangers, you’re a beautiful, growing jjosuminded community and I thank you from all my heart for being here with me.
OK, so WTF’s up with the soda?
Yeah, yeah I was about to get to that, but gosh you’re so intense sometimes!
So, I’m in the last couple of days from my vacations for this year, then the weekend, and then a full week being on call 24/7 for cybersecurity incidents (man, the contrasts in this life). But I’m making the most of my vacations and part of it is reorganizing my artistic projects, and in general, assigning a lot more weight to my artistic life and coming up with strategies to accomplish this while keeping a roof over our heads.
As you probably know from previous articles, my biggest efforts in this second half of my life are focused on being able to get to a point where I can dedicate most of my time to arts and culture, which means eventually leaving my day job and it begins with literature but encompasses more than that.
It’s turned out to be quite the rabbit hole fellows, quite the fucking rabbit hole indeed! But it’s been fun, in fairness.
“The Jjosuminded Rabbit Hole” This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it.
The toughest thing is the balance between publishing continuously and building my community, and then writing in the way I want to write. So for those of you who are writers (I venture saying a big part of you are), you may find this familiar:
I start writing a poem. I was dark, waaay to dark, scary dark… so I think to myself “fuck, this has to be a poem attributed to a character, no way my conscious mind will accept this to come from me”
Okay cool, so what kind of world/ story does this belong to crime thriller. Okay, crime thriller it is, I begin writing a story.
Crime thriller story becomes so, so potentially good that it’s no longer an excuse to publish the orphaned poem, no, this really touches some fiber and some philosophical concepts I’m quite interested in. Scary moment: the idea becomes a novel (I did announce it a couple months back in this blog).
OK a lot of education and serious research beings in how to write novels, I buy a ton of new books and start taking notes and analyzing, I write some of it (paradoxically not what I’ve been doing the most). But OK, novel incoming.
Well, what do I write to keep my audience engaged? I mean, the novel can very well take a couple years, especially being psychologically complex and being my first novel, so…
“OK, OK, I know, I know… I have this idea I’ve been entertaining for more than a decade which is a fantasy/sci-fi medieval saga what better time to do it than right now! Not only that, paired up with my new obsession with Human + A. I digital artwork collabs I’ll get to publish an amazing story with groundbreaking community-oriented publishing, and blah, blah, blah… (see image below of concept art on this saga).
So as it turns out, the saga does require a lot of research on Central Europe in the Middle Ages, famous characters of that century, occultism and alchemy, and some “relatively accessible quantum mechanics”. Well shit, so much for releasing episodes weekly, at least until world and character building are crystal clear and it’s gonna take some time. So novel #2 is incoming, but still nothing for short-term publishing.
“Okay, it is my literary ignorance and laymanship (I know it’s not an actual word) that’s biting my ass, the solution is simple: short stories!” Indeed, this is the approach I’m currently taking but hear me out: I start brainstorming and come up with four killer ideas for episodical short stories related to a single theme, I ask my wife which one she likes the most and she picks one that’s about teenagers as a psychiatric institution, I start working on character development (world building it’s easy for me, cause I was a teenager in a psychiatric institution, lol) and bam! Guess what? It becomes to complex, intertwined, and emotionally engaging for me to keep it a series of episodical short stories, it deserves to be a big volume of its own. “Oh shit, not again”, yup, incoming Novel #3. (See concept art at the end of this list).
Right, so I thought: “The second idea out of those four, that one has to be the one, that’s perfect for short, well-written stories and give the people a taste of my writing while I work in the terrifying amount of 3 novels for a beginner author, yeah that should keep my sanity”. And indeed, this week I began with both the research and the structuring of it. What do you think? Am I alone here? Too fucking crazy still or just an ordinary writer’s journey. I’d love to hear your thoughts, you beautiful reader who can actually consume a full article I write.
Concept Art for the novels mentioned, just to get you excited 😉
“Keith’s epiphany: a perspective on choice and deviance” – From crime-horror-thriller novel This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it. “Old Roland Practicing His Speech on the Eve of the Italian Ambush” – From medieval/sci-fi saga This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it. “Dusk at St. Michael’s psychiatric wing, teenagers pavilion” – From the mental institution novel. This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it.
Josué… seriously, what’s up with the S.O.D.A!?
OK, ok here it is:
“Soda Textures #1” This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it.
Are you ready? (drumroll…)
Bubbly-Mirror-Starry Soda is the short-story series I told you about that was second on my short story list (OK, it was first but I decided to be a gentleman and please my wife with her choice, then it became a novel, oh well…)
The whole concept is related to the subconscious mind; see I’ve been reading, viewing, and listening to a lot of content about Carl Jung, and his breed of psychoanalysis, also some Freud but I’m in the earlier stages there. I’m absolutely fascinated by how behavioral patterns appear in the conscious life and decisions that are actually hidden and triggered by events, perceptions, and characteristics we have no clue about.
Moreover, one of the most direct ways of accessing these hidden treasures and horrors (both maybe?) is true dreams. Dreams are a window to a version of oneself that’s able to act out of the cultural, moral, and social restrictions that shape the conscious mind of an individual.
Bubbly-Mirror-Starry Soda aims to show this, with a degree of artistic license, through a series of short stories that will poke your mind and get you thinking about the depths of human consciousness and the contrast between the carefully constructed self and the denied self.
Now, what’s special about BMSS?
Answer: Bubbly-Mirror-Starry Soda is the version for fans, hence I can guarantee you will read much more personal and less filtered stuff in this version of the series exclusively here on jjosuminded.com, I’m not lying folks this is a token of gratitude from me to you because I love all of you 17 friends and all the others that I don’t have a record of in WordPress but are also here.
I hope you will love it, but you know what? Since we’re getting intimate and friendly now, let me ask you for two things:
I’m not a native English speaker. If you would like to help me on my path to becoming a better writer and would like to go full “grammar nazi” on me, I’ll actually welcome it. Likewise, if you’re a writer and you notice flaws you find concerning (even if it’s not something idiomatic), I’d like to hear from you.
As a clarification: I know what a proofreader is, and I know what an editor is. I intend to invest and risk my own buck when the time comes, to have pros do their job analyzing mine so I’m not trying to take advantage of you. It’s just special to me, to have my community send feedback because then you get to be more involved in my success story.
Would you also share my work if you really, really like it? But only if you really like it enough to share it with people who are close to you.
A final disclaimer: you see how I said Bubbly-Mirror-Starry Soda is a version of this project that’s exclusive for jjosuminded.com community? Yeah, that’s because there’s another version, and it’s more oriented to be commercialized, you know part of being able to become a full-time artist is to be able to pay bills with my art. But I’m not getting greedy, and I’m releasing the first 10 stories here first, then I’ll look for some PR and marketing and will try to find a way to commercialize it (if you have any ideas, I’ve so far only thought of “novella” or trying to sell the rights for T.V, etc), possibly making it a book of short stories and self-publishing it, although I might knock at some editorial doors.
This other version is also gonna be quite something, I believe. It plays with the same concept of the subconscious, but it has a more macabre angle to it, I’ll let you figure it out for yourselves as I publish the first 10 stories here. The commercial angle comes from the fact that the stories will deal with a deceased famous person in history or pop culture, so I’ll also let you figure that one out 😉
The series is called “In The Wings of a Raven”, and here’s the concept art for it:
“In the Wings of A Raven” This is Human + A. I collab artwork and I own the rights to it.
Well, that about does it, I’m going to turn 36 in exactly 6 hours, and I’m very enthusiastic to begin another year of my life surrounded by these beautiful projects and characters. Thanks for reading me, lots of good stuff in the oven for you, please buy my books when I publish them, I promise you’ll have a good time and it will change my story forever, for the better.
I will start pasting my LinkTree to every post from here onwards, I’d like to be available for you, read your messages and be able to reply to you personally, and the best way to do it is through my social media so feel free to reach out to me if you’re liking my work.
I never realized how special a writer is until I started giving it serious attention
Today I’m writing about writing.
Yeah, that’s right, and while we’re at it, it’s a bit of an exercise in procrastination to help me deal with the overwhelming paralysis I feel right now, concerning, well…. writing.
I brought myself a nice cup of cognac my wife gave me for my birthday (hey, it’s in 21 days but it’s so good that I think it will not last until the 21st), and chose again to listen to Liszt since it’s proven so gentle to my brain, took my dog to his bed so I’m alone and uninterrupted, killed a freaking fly that was driving me crazy and finally ended with all potential distractors and set my mind into developing my serial story I plan to start publishing short-to-midterm. I just stared at the screen, confused; how is it possible that I don’t know what to do? I’ve been viewing a lot of YouTube videos, taking the whole 2020 collection of Bran Sanderson’s lecture on fantasy and sci-fi writing (highly recommended, link here: )
I’ve been reading short stories, and a couple novels, taking notes of it all, building worksheets with new vocabulary, and viewing shows that develop stories with elements in common with what I want to do: folks I’m going deeper and deeper every day into my project of becoming an author, I’m dead serious about it.
But still, I read it somewhere that “the difference between an aspiring author and an author, is actually sitting down and writing”; or something to that effect. And it’s so basic for so true, but folks it’s by no means an easy task.
This morning while I was showering I came up with so many ideas, I took the whole series way deeper than I expected in my head, but I sit down and… nothing. It’s like I feel the angst that blocks me and I start wanting to do different things; so what I did was download a couple character development templates and start working on that; it’s not the same as writing a scene (I started episode #1 last week so there’s been some progress) but it’s working in the preparation for the story so I’m OK with that, filling up a comprehensive questionnaire about my characters is also helping me realize dark spots in my story plan and the need to be more thorough.
I guess an additional complication that’s playing emotional tricks on me, is that the story is inspired by a rather unusual series of events that happened in my life when I was a teenager, events that turned around every notion I had of my future and so it has a huge emotional weight in me, even more than 15 years after. Why would that be, I wonder? I wish I didn’t feel any old pains, life always has plenty of them to offer 🙂
In any case, I realize by writing this I’m actually not writing the story I meant to sit down and advance today, so I’m leaving you to face my demons. Wish me luck fellows!
Yes! I keep making content and posting it about Death Stranding. Now that I’ve finished this large streaming project, I will not be quiet about it!
I made a fan-art video: “Teardrop – Fragile’s Theme”. I hope you like it, and in case you haven’t read my big post on Death Stranding, I will leave you here an excerpt of it which is the section talking about Fragile.
Fragile
Fragile’s awkward “umbrella” allows her to engage in inter-dimensional traveling.
Fragile is played by Léa Seydoux.
Fragile is a character with quite some baggage, a heroine and villain in almost equal parts among the “preppers”, people who live isolated from the main cities of the UCA. The reason: associating with the wrong people and being stained by the actions of her former business partner who betrayed her.
Fragile is a business heiress, of the type that works for her wages and cares about the legacy of her father. In that, she’s often very proactive, and considering her story and the state of the world, she’s often in impressive high spirits; she’s a strong woman. While Bridges is a huge private corporation gradually assuming government functions, Fragile could be thought of as a smaller business partner with considerable reach in areas Bridges is not necessarily welcome; and so, she’s very instrumental in achieving the whole chiral network expansion. Besides this, Fragile has mastered a technique to travel via the “beach”, that surreal area previously accessible only to the dead, and so she discovers a rather weird means of long-distance instant traveling. Fragile has DOOMS, meaning she has special perception “powers” coming from the Death Stranding, just like Sam does.
There are two big drivers for Fragile, which put her at the intersection of Sam’s mission and hence, makes them compulsory partners:
The expansion of Fragile Express and honoring his father’s vision
Taking revenge from Higgs, the leader of the terrorists, for his betrayal and the death of thousands in the destruction of Middle Knot City
Stemming from this, we witness Fragiles story of breaking with the limitations of her name and condition. Fragile’s body is always fully covered in a sort of whole-body special suit, she’s always wearing globes and constantly eating a disgusting insect that’s also a product of the Death Stranding, called a “Cryptobiote” which contains healing and regenerative properties. This is not a mere eccentricity.
Zoomed in cryptobiote
Higgs, Fragile’s former business partner, turned to become a leader of a terrorist group, a sort of “doomsday cult” advocating for the completion of the Earth’s annihilation and accelerating it by using his incredible powers (mysteriously acquired) to lure the world of the dead into a massive collision that would destroy everything. Before going public about his agenda, Higgs tricked Fragile into placing anti-matter bombs in two cities: Middle Knot and South Knot; when Fragile realizes this, Higgs gives her the opportunity to save one of the cities, the one nearby, by letting her drop the bomb into the tar lake; but the price she has to pay is, she’s stripped down to her underwear and sent into the heavy time fall wearing only a mask; if she wants to save the city she will pay with her body aging to death or near death. She accepts Higgs’s conditions and saves South Knot, indeed damaging her own body beyond repair in the process.
Higgs announcing the sixth and final extinction
Fragile’s body is highly debilitated, aged to the appearance of a very elder woman and her face remains her own age, in a twisted mockery designed by the terrorist leader.
However, besides her frail body, there’s nothing weak about her: she’s entrepreneurial, risky, determined, and relentless. Even in her worst physical state, she manages to transport all members of Sam’s crew to a single location to meet and support him in his final adventure and almost dies in the attempt, so one of Sam’s last missions is to bring her a box of cryptobiotes to save her life.
Fragile is just her name, her character is tough as nails.
A.I Generated Concept Art For: “Human and A.I shaping the future together”
Time for random reflections folks, isn’t it exciting to be able to just stop one’s routines and pre-defined action sets and just sit down and think? Man, this is why I love writing, it’s like taking a shovel and starting digging treasures inside of your own mind and soul, maybe they’ve been ignored for years, maybe disguised in unpleasant containers, but they’re precious if you pay enough attention.
One of the big opportunities I’ve experienced in the last 3 years of self-exploration, is being able to observe my own beliefs and presuppositions from above as if participating from an external consciousness. It’s not easy, as humans our self-preservation and to a degree, our sanity demands a certain structure from us, a certain set of immutable or core beliefs that would provide a sense of identity but also a frame of reference for measuring the world around us and gather meaning from it. And so I’ve come to understand there are two extremes I want to avoid at a personal level:
The dogmatism that incarcerates: I avoid dogmatic positions like the plague. One thing you can expect to increase in my content is a challenge to ideology and dogma, I consider myself a free spirit and I hate to observe the prisons people end up bearing in order to be accepted by a certain group or even to be able to accept themselves. That’s also why I don’t think many people will ultimately grasp me, I will reason against your beliefs but then another I will support a subset of them, on a case-by-case basis; a mind that’s interested in learning the truth needs to allow enough room to grow and admit to past and present severe misconceptions. As you age, maintaining this attitude requires a very intentional decision.
The fluidity that renders you shapeless: Well that’s every bit as dangerous as the former; when everything’s true, nothing is. It’s OK to make mistakes, it’s OK to offend others by having solid positions on topics that cause controversy, it’s OK to change your mind if deep inside you know your adversary has won the argument. But absolute fluidity makes you very easy to deal with, deceive, and manipulate; it’s interesting, just as I can create propaganda tailored to the needs of a very dogmatic type of person with a set of well-known beliefs, I can also device means to confuse a person who’s absolutely fluid, and act in the direction I want one day, and in the opposite the next day, the person will never realize because they dread taking a confrontative position on pretty much anything.
“OK Josué, how’s this related to A. I and humans? Are you playing us or just doing very hard drugs?”
Answer: Neither, but have you seen how film directors can shoot a seemingly unnecessary scene for like two minutes straight just cause he feels like it? David Lynch, I’m talking to you!
Well, just the same, I sometimes feel I need to write something that seems unrelated but it connects directly to the topic, even if it’s not apparent.
Anti-System?
So I have been of the “anti-system” type for years and years; I didn’t see my dad much, but when I did I would always ask him about why things are the way they are, a 12-year-old talking about a system he deemed oppressive, unfair and rigged; was I wrong? Not entirely, no; a lot of that happens to be true and for some reason, it bothered me since a very early age.
I’m 35 about to turn 36 and I came to understand it will never be ideal, not even close. But there are degrees of non-ideal realities and the truth is, I wouldn’t trade myself for people who lived before our day and age; I consider myself blessed and yes, I know this doesn’t apply to all. If we were to destroy every foundation on top of which current power and economic structures rest if we were to pursue the dismembering of the evil empire piece by piece and with fierce wrath destroy the reign of injustice, how long would it take us to build something better and entirely different or even allow me to ask: could we?
These are complex questions, and idiotic ideologies will have deceitful easy answers for them, but if you consider these things carefully and honestly maybe you wouldn’t rush to set shit on fire just cause you feel it’s wrong.
I feel I’ve been a frustrated revolutionary for most of my life, but now I came to understand the value of reformation; in either case, we’ve seen both revolution and reformation happen in history with great results sometimes and dreadful results many times, but I believe in salvaging, fixing and building better things using the experience of past generations as a starting point.
I know, it’s not as exciting as destroying everything right? But have you ever seen or read about unstable regions trying to painfully define for years a struggle for power between two or more factions? Man, it’s a horrible window to look through and it will show you some of the worst of mankind; it’s never going to be perfect but it’s better if it’s relatively stable and there’s enough balance for opposing forces to introduce changes and balance.
“OK Josué, seriously: how the FUCK this related to A. I and humans?”
Answer: Because a new society is being shaped, and with it, it brings new challenges. But I would rather take a part in building it than opposing it blindly; by constructing during its early stages, and embracing change, I get an angle and perspective to help reform it later.
Back To The Future
A.I Generated Concept Art For: “Human and A.I shaping the future together” – II
Change is chaos to human psychology, it’s typically not naturally welcome, unless you’re in a horrible position, and such change promises an opportunity to turn the table around. But even so, many individuals will prefer the known evil to exploring the unknown.
And so we witness how robots are taking many jobs that used to be a human job for a fraction of the cost and double the efficiency, you see how an A.I algorithm can generate competent artwork and provide interesting interpretations of deep concepts, how expert systems can make better decisions in critical moments due to their lack of emotion, and how automation simply starts removing the repetitive tasks from our plates.
Information is at hand, education is more accessible than ever, and it is my belief that an individual living in a relatively free, democratic country can change their social and financial situation with much more easiness than in previous ages if they decide to listen to the market and acquire in-demand skills, learn to manage the money they start getting wisely and create something profitable with it: I can tell you this because it’s my own “rags to riches” story, where I’m nowhere near rich, but I live a life no generation in my family before would have dreamed of as far as opportunities and quality of living.
Now, everything in life comes at a price. I’ve paid a very expensive price in terms of time, in terms of pursuing my best potential in the things I care about the most. And such has been my conflict and paradox for many years: I love the opportunity technology has afforded me, but I want to write, I want to create music and art. So, I hated my life for a long time, not realizing that my problem was my linear vision of life and achievements and my own childish expectations that were simply impossible to fulfill because the world wasn’t as I pictured it.
Today, as I continue to build this blog, have much more flexibility in my time management at work, explore my own thoughts and talents, and build my next plans around what I want rather than what I need, I bless those years of bitter struggle.
But one obsession, one thing that the toughest years left me is this: can I help others escape their bitterness? More importantly: can I help others find their potential and get the confidence in themselves to use it? Because I can tell you step by step how I did it, but what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for all. Also, I look at my life and for the first time in my almost 36 years of existence, I feel I’m in the right place, doing the rights things, and can stop for a moment a feel grateful and satisfied; but maybe if you look at my life at this stage it’s far from enough according to your own standards. We’re all different.
But I feel that as the system we live in continues to automate the mundane, the ordinary, this provides for an opportunity which is: that humans can dedicate more to the abstract work of ideas than to the material work of surviving in nature. Could this answer my concern about giving humans the opportunity to explore their own genius at a deeper level? To have more sovereignty over the way they spend their time? To let the machines do the tedious and start competing to provide value based on their own creativity and thoughts? To become creators of new stories, realities, and solutions?
I know, that I’m not speaking about every person here; not everyone has the same motivation although I do believe that every human has the potential to create something. So in order for such a change to be inclusive, there’s really a lot of work involved, a lot of trial and error, a lot of system building, some of which has already begun, perhaps by people some us deem evil or greedy?
And this ties down to my whole story about the system, the reformation, and so on; can you think of building something with others, believing in an improvement, and raising the human potential to a new level? You’re building a system, and probably one that decades from the time you began building it will generate its own problems and will eventually be criticized and threatened by the anti-system people of that age, who happen to have valid points against what you created.
Are we doomed to run in circles continually?
Can we dispose of the rubbish we inherited but honor the hard work of those who laid the very foundations of the system we benefit from?
This fine gentleman is such a delightful company tonight
I have a headache, like a pretty bad one and I hate it. Feeling ill lowers my motivation a lot, and I hate the feeling of losing time; when I’m ill it’s difficult to be creative and thankfully, I was still able to bring a laptop to bed and work on my writing for a fair amount of time.
I took two pills a while back, but I’m starting to feel relief after a while of listening to Liszt; maybe it’s the combined effect of both things. Music can be a real emotional burden for me, especially when I yearn for something new that touches my soul and I can’t find it, but more often than not, it’s just magic, a true spice to the dullness of the mundane life and even in my current situation, a real medicine for my pain.
I’m planning an episodic series about patients in a mental institution and I’ve been writing down the whole concept tonight, I seriously believe it’s gonna kick ass and I will publish it here first, then probably in Medium and I’m thinking Wattpad as well.
When it comes to how I organize my projects and thinking, I’ve had to find the freedom of being myself while also aiming to be more disciplined; it’s a thin line and a delicate balance that requires a lot of effort from me. I’ve already started writing a novel, another series on fantasy and now I’m developing this idea. But they’re very different projects in their scope and intention:
The novel is a psychological thriller that explores the nature of deviance and the idea of evil, from a systemic, cultural and philosophical point of view. It’s meant to be violent but also sophisticated and thought-provoking. It may take me a very long time to write it and have it ready, it will also be my first experience in formally publishing a book and so, it’s a rather complex project that I want to take my time to carefully complete.
The second project is a fantasy series that retells a lot of historical events from the perspective of a rather peculiar character. It’s a mockery to human stupidity and herd mentality while also an apology of the dissident, beautiful freaks of different ages. In doing this, it eventually starts becoming a cultural commentary of our time. This one I will release in episodes, and rather than aiming for a book or book series, I plan to make this story a social media experiment.
The third project, the one I’ve been focused on tonight, is an exercise in episodic story-telling and short story, but with a very challenging twist for me: it’s meant to be a “dramedy”, so a drama that deals with very painful and serious topics but it’s presented with a degree of dark humor. There are two special things about this latest project:
I will be able to talk about a very personal and relevant topic which is mental health; if you’ve read my previous articles, then you know I take this very seriously and I’m very supportive of people going through such hardship.
This is my most immediate project: I’m used to write blogs posts in a very free style, as well as some of my poetry; but I’ve never published stories before and I feel a terrible urge to do so as soon as possible. So it’s coming, very soon.
I’d like to write a lot more tonight, because there’s so much inside of me, sometimes I feel like my thoughts are a violent ocean contained in a rather frail vessel. And I’m OK with that, I am what I am, and I’ll work with it. I need to sleep so hopefully I’m in better health tomorrow.
The spectators were as plentiful as the population of Middle Knot City, as I claimed victory over a rugged, vengeful U.S special forces Captain seeking his lost baby from the distant corners of an unrestful afterlife. But this was far from the end, in the gaming session that prolonged for 5 hours and 7 minutes I faced a gigantic whale with more teeth than I’d like to remember, unbearable weather conditions, and a strange game loop that seemed to compel the player to completely give up and bring the story to an anticipated end, out of sheer frustration.
This was my occupation last Saturday night, finishing the 45th gaming session of “Death Stranding – Director’s Cut” and the last one to be streamed via my Twitch account. Now, this wasn’t the first time I saw this ending, it was the second, as I started streaming the “Director’s Cut” version of the game one day after I finished the whole standard version of the game for the first time, in a rather unusual time management decision from my end.
But it was worth every minute, and the reasons are not only related to how awesome this game is, but also to personal processes that made this first video game streaming project a real milestone for me (someday I will write about this underlying context, but today I want to make it about the game). After three introductory paragraphs, I hope you’re itching to hear what’s so good about this game and I’ll give you my point of view, but before doing so, I would like to provide two preliminary disclaimers:
This article will be FULL of spoilers, so act in accordance with this warning
This was also my first streaming project, and it was 100% recorded from the very beginning of the story until the very end. If you’re into viewing long hours of gameplay then you can access the full experience via my YouTube channel, so I’m leaving the playlist here:
An Unusual Hero, For an Unusual World
Perhaps one of the things that catch the eye when you look at images from Death Stranding is that the main character has a rather familiar face, at least if you were a viewer of “The Walking Dead” which made Norman Reedus quite a star. A second thing that catches people’s attention is the fact that this character is carrying a fully developed fetus in a sort of tank device which is part of his toolset; things may get kind of creepy there, but as you progress through the game you start realizing this fateful relationship between a porter and his “safety tool” ends up being a rather emotional and deep bond that’s challenged and defended several times until the very end of the story.
To understand these two and their adventure throughout vast, mostly desolate territories, we first need to become familiar with the Death Stranding, the cataclysmic event that changed the rules of the game for mankind and initiated what’s later announced as the “Sixth Extinction”, pretty much the end of the world. The Death Stranding was a phenomenon that brought together the world of the dead and the world of the living; but this is not a ghost story where a character sees dead people, this is an actual issue where existence and unexistence collide in chaos and such collisions generate mass destruction like that of atomic bombs or pandemics, and people are forced to live in underground shelters since precipitation (both rain and snow) known as “time fall”, becomes yet another dreadful agent of destruction since it ages object and beings at an accelerated pace: a couple minutes exposed to time fall may age you to death. Not only is time fall a reason to live in isolation, but the fact that the BTs (Beached Things), which is the name given to the “undead” entities seemingly responsible for the destruction, are scattered everywhere and every time a person dies, this person is doomed to become a BT and cause massive destruction around them unless they’re promptly taken to an incinerator.
Sam facing a “beast” BT in the tar
To add some more spice to this already desolating dystopia, there are groups of vandals (MULES) and terrorists roaming to rob the few people who dare travel the open field and creating yet another risk for the frail, decimated population that remains.
It’s no wonder that in such a situation, the new heroes and saviors of mankind are those who dare to roam the open terrain, risking their lives, and exposing themselves to all these horrors in order to take supplies from point “A” to point “B”, yeah that’s right: couriers. Equipped with special suits to keep them from the effect of time fall and BT detectors or “Odradeks” these foot soldiers remain the living force of an otherwise hidden and frightened humanity.
And out of those brave few, Sam Porter (yes all characters have names and last names that talk about their condition somehow) is the ultimate porter who, besides running packages from facility to facility, has the daunting task of connecting all isolated cities and preppers via the major technological advancement of this era: the chiral network. This network is paradoxically made possible by the existence of chiralium, a material that generates from contact with the BT world, so in a sense, it’s a tool born from disgrace but that’s ultimately providing a means to communicate, share knowledge, intelligence and useful designs for the 3-D printers that are able to build vehicles, shelters, weapons, highways and pretty much most non-biological goods needed in this world. At the heart of the development of this technology is the research and utilization of “Bridge Babies”, unborn children from “still mothers”, braindead pregnant women whose special condition provides their developed fetuses the capability to interact with both the world of the dead and the world of the living. This is why Sam carries a baby in a tank that’s attached to his suit, the baby is what powers the Odradek and basically gives Sam visibility of BTs so that he can avoid being dragged into the netherworld: the baby is a ghost radar if you may. And although throughout the game people keep speaking of such babies as tools, since the beginning Sam creates a special bond with his “BB”, Lou, that would become a reciprocal, surprisingly enduring friendship. These two, are probably some of the most unusual hero/sidekick tuples we will ever witness!
Sam and Lou
I. Breaking Free of Conditioning: The Characters
Well, having described the context and introduced the heroes of the story, it’s time to go deeper into some of the layers of meaning in the story. I will not talk about game mechanics, although the game and graphical elements are very much to my satisfaction, to me, the strength of this game is in its story and characters (which of course, includes the acting).
Now, I have said before that the characters are named after specific conditions attached to their story: Bridget Strand is an entity deeply linked to the Death Stranding, Sam Porter works as a porter and the person in charge of the Lake Knot City facility is named William Lake, just to give you a notion of what I’m talking about.
I must admit it took time to get used to this; it’s a bit like in the T.V series “Mr. Robot” where the antagonistic organization to the hackers is named “Evil Corp”. To me, doing this type of thing is a real gamble, especially if you’re aiming to create a serious perception of your story. To make this gamble work you need some real quality plot, aligned with a very intentional style, and aesthetics that justify this sort of “joke” to the serious spectator. In Death Stranding, if you pay close attention, these names act as a deterministic element that highlights the conflict each character endures, and to me, it sends a clear message that you can always override your label and define with your decisions and actions who you will be. I will elaborate, using the examples of several characters:
Deadman
Deadman, after being pulled into a WWII war zone by a chiral anomaly
Interpreted by director Guillermo del Toro.
There’s nothing particularly subtle about being called “Deadman” so we can assume something very particular is going on with this fellow; he initially tells Sam he works in medical forensics, hence his name.
But the big revelation comes later when he opens up to Sam and confesses he’s basically a modern Frankenstein: a being artificially made of stem cells and heavily patched with dead men’s parts and organs. No family, no “beach” (meaning an afterlife), and no natural human connections, Deadman feels absolutely isolated and could even envy the painful existence and anxiety of any ordinary human of his age.
But here’s where the identity of being “a dead man” is challenged by the character: Deadman turns out to be a wonderful human being, and a beautiful soul even when he claims to have none. He shows zeal for Sam and for his mission, he manages to control his fear to take care of BB in the war zone, and he “conspires” with Sam and Heartman to uncover the secrets of the seemingly shady president of Bridges. At the end of the day, it’s Deadman who pulls Sam out of a tormented existence in eternal isolation and meaningless effort, when he’s trapped in his “beach” (the personal, transient realm of the dead).
So the artificial human is only artificial in his origins, but he defies everything that he was conditioned to be and emerges as a beautiful human being.
Mama
Mama nursing her baby
Actress Margaret Qualley plays “Mama”.
Mama’s story is probably one of the most complicated and unlikely in this Death Stranding world. Her name is Målingen, but believe me there’s a reason she’s called “Mama”.
Målingen and Lockne are twin sisters, and also very competent scientists. They’re as close as identical twins can be, but there’s one topic in which they’re very different: motherhood. Lockne loses her love in a tragic accident, but his semen is preserved frozen in case of an unforeseen circumstance and she decides to have his baby, but to her misfortune she’s sterile. Målingen isn’t, though.
In a sisterly love demonstration, Målingen accepts to host her nephew in her womb to help Lockne achieve her dreams of motherhood. But when she’s at the hospital almost delivering the baby, a bomb falls in the vicinity and leaves the hospital in ruins; Målingen remains alive, but trapped in the debris for days. While trapped in this fashion she gives birth but not in the intended fashion: the baby dies and what’s born is a baby BT (a ghost baby) that’s attached to her forever. This baby cries, and needs to be nurtured and appeased, unaware of its non-human condition.
In a horrible turn of events, the young woman who didn’t want to be a mother becomes “Mama” to a dangerous being that confines her to the lab built around the location where she was trapped, for her sake and the continuation of her critical scientific work. With time, Mama develops compassion and a certain affection for this unfortunate companion.
But the world needs saving, and the Q-Pid, the device Målingen and Lockne created to expand the chiral network becomes defective and needs the collaboration of the twins, who have been estranged ever since the bomb incident. Lockne won’t listen to a word coming from Bridges as she hates the company for what occurred and Mama is forced to visit her twin sister in Mountain Knot City. There’s only one way to be able to leave the lab: cutting the baby BT lose into the afterlife; this would also trigger Mama’s death, and she knows it.
Mama frees herself from her tormented condition, being a mother to a being who doesn’t belong in this world and pays the price of dying for the greater good, and in a final effort to accomplish the work of her life, her mission. Mama needs to go beyond being “Mama” to be Målingen, a heroine in the age of the Death Stranding.
Fragile
Fragile’s awkward “umbrella” allows her to engage in inter-dimensional traveling.
Fragile is played by Léa Seydoux.
Fragile is a character with quite some baggage, a heroine and villain in almost equal parts among the “preppers”, people who live isolated from the main cities of the UCA. The reason: associating with the wrong people and being stained by the actions of her former business partner who betrayed her.
Fragile is a business heiress, of the type that works for her wages and cares about the legacy of her father. In that, she’s often very proactive, and considering her story and the state of the world, she’s often in impressive high spirits; she’s a strong woman. While Bridges is a huge private corporation gradually assuming government functions, Fragile could be thought of as a smaller business partner with considerable reach in areas Bridges is not necessarily welcome; and so, she’s very instrumental in achieving the whole chiral network expansion. Besides this, Fragile has mastered a technique to travel via the “beach”, that surreal area previously accessible only to the dead, and so she discovers a rather weird means of long-distance instant traveling. Fragile has DOOMS, meaning she has special perception “powers” coming from the Death Stranding, just like Sam does.
There are two big drivers for Fragile, which put her at the intersection of Sam’s mission and hence, makes them compulsory partners:
The expansion of Fragile Express and honoring his father’s vision
Taking revenge from Higgs, the leader of the terrorists, for his betrayal and the death of thousands in the destruction of Middle Knot City
Stemming from this, we witness Fragiles story of breaking with the limitations of her name and condition. Fragile’s body is always fully covered in a sort of whole-body special suit, she’s always wearing globes and constantly eating a disgusting insect that’s also a product of the Death Stranding, called a “Cryptobiote” which contains healing and regenerative properties. This is not a mere eccentricity.
Zoomed in cryptobiote
Higgs, Fragile’s former business partner, turned to become a leader of a terrorist group, a sort of “doomsday cult” advocating for the completion of the Earth’s annihilation and accelerating it by using his incredible powers (mysteriously acquired) to lure the world of the dead into a massive collision that would destroy everything. Before going public about his agenda, Higgs tricked Fragile into placing anti-matter bombs in two cities: Middle Knot and South Knot; when Fragile realizes this, Higgs gives her the opportunity to save one of the cities, the one nearby, by letting her drop the bomb into the tar lake; but the price she has to pay is, she’s stripped down to her underwear and sent into the heavy time fall wearing only a mask; if she wants to save the city she will pay with her body aging to death or near death. She accepts Higgs’s conditions and saves South Knot, indeed damaging her own body beyond repair in the process.
Higgs announcing the sixth and final extinction
Fragile’s body is highly debilitated, aged to the appearance of a very elder woman and her face remains her own age, in a twisted mockery designed by the terrorist leader.
However, besides her frail body, there’s nothing weak about her: she’s entrepreneurial, risky, determined, and relentless. Even in her worst physical state, she manages to transport all members of Sam’s crew to a single location to meet and support him in his final adventure and almost dies in the attempt, so one of Sam’s last missions is to bring her a box of cryptobiotes to save her life.
Fragile is just her name, her character is tough as nails.
Die-Hard Man
Badass as he looks, Die-Hardman is a good man with a horrible, painful secret who manages to lead an epic effort with a will of steel and the speech of a boy scout
Tommie Earl Jenkins, plays Die-Hardman.
You’ve probably noticed I’m very fond of all the characters I’ve mentioned, and I’ve genuinely enjoyed their stories and development.
Well, I left Die-Hardman for the end of the section because this is a special case worth a special mention. I hated Die-Hardman for most of the game, but it’s now my favorite character along with Deadman. The funny part is, although there’s an intentional misleading narrative inside the story to make you think this is a shady character, and such misunderstanding will be clarified in a series of shocking revelations towards the end of the story, I didn’t come to appreciate him because of that plot twist, remember I’ve played this game twice!
So if you watch my recordings in the playlist I linked to this article, you will often see my hateful reactions every time this guy gives a speech, I just hate the cliche of the “boy scout”, “aiming for the common good”, “united we will overcome” etc, etc style of leadership he exerts. This is why I disliked Die-Hardman so much.
But as I progressed towards the end of the story for a second time, and paid closer attention to his particular story and conflict, I came to love the courage, fortitude, and depth of character of a man cursed by remorse but nevertheless charging onwards to defy a larger curse: that of humanity.
Die-Hardman (his real name’s John) is the president of Bridges Corporation, effectively the “temporary leader” of what remains of the U.S. But before that, he was Bridget Strand’s right hand and most faithful protector. Bridget Strand, by the way, is the ultimate antagonist in the game and conversely the provider of the last opportunity for the world to survive; she was Sam’s foster mother and the last President of the UCA. Bridget is as ambiguous as a character could be, and it’s until the end that we understand she was fated to become the Extinction Entity that should have brought the world’s demise and who effectively manipulates the people who loved her and causes the death and the pain of many to attain her ultimate goal: to attract the only person who can love her for what she is, and ask him to stop her from fulfilling her fate; that’s our hero, Sam Bridges. I will explain more of this in my next article.
Before becoming the watchdog of the most powerful woman alive, Die-Hardman served in the military under Captain Cliff Unger. Cliff was a Special Forces war hero, a deadly warrior who you never want to cross, and also a beloved leader and a very decent man. The reason people call John “Die-Hardman” is more a testament to Cliff’s heroism than John’s own ability to survive; per his own words to Cliff : “you wouldn’t let me die, you saved me once and again, and again”. It seems like John was a bit of a reckless young soldier, who kept putting himself in dire straits and getting involved in complex situations, which Cliff always endured in order to preserve the life of his subordinate. John admired and loved Cliff for that.
Cliff Unger is played by Madds Mikkelsen
But life brought John to a terrible crossroads, a series of events that would brand him forever. Cliff’s wife, Lisa, was pregnant but suffered an accident that caused her to be brain-dead; if you recall what I said about Bridges Babies and still mothers, you may start to draw an association.
Being that Bridges is the closest to a functional government entity in the post-stranding world, and have the best medical facilities and scientists, Cliff brings his wife and unborn son to Bridges medical facilities, where Lisa is put on life support and his unborn baby is removed from her and supported on a separate tank. The Captain’s heart remains in that hospital room, in the game, we see frequent flashbacks (that seem to be visions triggered by Sam connecting the B.B to himself), where he constantly visits his family, celebrates anniversaries, and birthdays, and lives in a very complex emotional landscape while awaiting for Bridges to come through and bring his family back while giving his baby a chance to grow; but years go by and things remain the same, the baby is 6 years old now and is still a baby in a tank, so something’s wrong.
The truth is, “Our Lady of Torments”, Bridget Strand is on the brink of a major breakthrough in her investigation of the chiral matter, and has plans to use the baby as a tool and foundation for a concept that could mean the hope of mankind: the chiral network. These are the plans, never revealed to Cliff, and the reason why it’s not feasible to help him; unknowingly, Cliff is about to become a “sacrifice for the common good” and his family with him.
In the middle of this situation, is Die-Hardman, now a mature man who’s the protector and ally of a desperate president scratching all possibilities for hope: Bridget is not a typical villain, she’s a leader in the worst situation and has to choose among many terrible evils: yes, she does a horrible thing in a horrible way, but could it have been done differently? And John, being an honest man, can’t just watch the cruel fate of Cliff and his family without providing an opportunity, so risking his career and his life he informs Cliff of Bridges’ plans and gives him a head start to finish his wive’s artificial life and save his baby. But as the man escapes with his baby, the alarms are triggered and persecution begins; already fatally wounded by Bridges soldiers, Cliff ends up meeting death at the hand of the soldier who loved him and owed him his life, John, who pretended to pursue him while giving him a chance to escape, but Bridget forced his finger to pull the trigger with her own hand.
So Die-Hardman found himself unable to risk his life and career openly for the man who had saved him so many times, it is hinted that he loved Bridget and this brought even more complexity into the situation. This is his curse and the remorse that eats him inside.
In a scene that made me have to hold my tears, the big man, now officially President of the UCA, opens up to Sam and tells him the whole story; he’s brought to his knees by remorse and pain and assumes his responsibility on the murder of an innocent man. In the way he tries to make sense of things, Die-Hardman tells Sam that maybe this is the way to honor Cliff, by being Die-Hardman, by refusing death, and using this endurance as an asset to lead the nation. But in a deep display of wisdom, Sam tells him that’s a load of bullshit, the nation doesn’t need a leader who can’t die, but a man of flesh and bone who can leave behind who he was and become a better person, capable of better decisions; at that moment, maybe without fully knowing it, Sam sets Die-Hardman free from his past not by justifying it but by showing him the way of change, of having a second opportunity to do things right.
DieHardman’s confession
This scene is really an out-of-sync moment of forgiveness, at this point in the story Sam doesn’t know and we don’t know it, but Cliff’s and Lisa’s baby-in-a-tank is no other than Sam.
Closing Thoughts: The Courage to Make Your Own Decisions
I swear, I was going to make this snappy and deal with the three core topics in a single article, but guess what? I couldn’t.
I’m sorry I get carried away, but I’m very happy with the article and I almost make myself cry remembering all these very human conflicts and stories, that while existing only in Kojima’s and his amazing team of writers’ imaginations, speak to profound themes many of us face as life unfolds before our eyes and presents us with a reality that’s less than ideal: The honorable actions versus the visible actions, the need to make condemnable decisions and the character to stand behind them while its needed, the power to forgive oneself and the courage to build on top of what’s been destroyed, the lack of proportionality between efforts and outcome, and the freedom of embracing one’s own actions, the path we’ve chosen, no matter how hard it may be, over choosing to be a victim of circumstance and sheltering oneself behind a label that’s perhaps excusable to others, but unbearable to your own true self.
So, as you may know, if you’ve read my blog before, I struggle with depression, like hardcore.
Now to me, depression is an unwanted life companion, it’s not something I expect to get rid of easily (I mean it’s been more than 20 years now since I started experiencing it), but in dealing with it I’ve learned one or two things and I felt like sharing some of these thoughts today. So BIG disclaimer: I’m not a therapist nor do I claim to have therapist superpowers, if you suspect you have depression, suicidal thoughts, excessive anxiety, or any other symptoms of mental disease, please do what you would do if you suddenly find an anomaly in your body: consult a medical professional.
This is the first piece of advice I’m providing today, there are SEVERE misconceptions concerning mental health, to this very day and age, it’s taboo for many people to even mention this. I don’t blame those who are afraid of speaking publicly about it, ignorance is very mainstream my friends, I’ve seen people on social media speaking very cruel things against depressive people and getting a lot of support because a lot of people who haven’t experienced it, simply don’t get it, they think it’s cheer weakness or lack of character. So find a competent professional to talk to, don’t just throw it out to the wind, and don’t ask for the “audience’s” advice on social media.
Secondly, please, please don’t make it religious: this is a health issue and science has found anomalies in the production of neurotransmitters to be associated with depression and other mental afflictions. I’m telling you this out of my experience, I spent many years in the past suffering intensely without medication because I thought this struggle needed more faith and fewer pills. As it turns out, both things have been super instrumental in helping me feel better and live a good-quality, productive life, not just one of them.
Thirdly, the doctors will always tell you to aim for a healthier lifestyle, and that feels annoying: but they’re right. Physical exercise is highly therapeutic, it helps you burn a lot of anxiety, helps you sleep better and of course, it helps you look better! Nothing wrong with feeling good about your aspect! Addictions are often very linked to depression, both as cause and consequence, it’s not unusual that a depressive person is also a very heavy smoker, as I used to be until very recently (I’ve quit for 3 1/2 months now). Other more “subtle” addictions like food or pornography are also reinforcers of anxiety since they give you quick and easy relief, but then start increasing your anxiety to consume them again. It’s very hard to deal with addictions, it hasn’t been easy to quit addictive behaviors but its totally worth the effort, my mind feels clear and I’ve found out I actually have more time, energy, and motivation to do things I’m interested in and I thought I couldn’t.
Fourth, learn to defend yourself. This may sound weird so give me an opportunity to explain it. Depression is an enemy, it’s a liar, that distorts your perception and requires you to buy its bullshit in order to sink you deeper and deeper. Yes, I’ve said before that it’s a medical thing, it is, but visualizing it as an enemy has helped me quite a bit; humans are naturally fond of stories and stories are full of archetypes. The villain or the personification of danger is actually instrumental in providing meaning to the hero’s story, villains move events, and cause courage and abilities to appear and so if you visualize depression as an external agent, an enemy, it’s harder to assimilate the thoughts it generates as if they were your own. Make it your own epic story of overcoming a powerful monster and saving your kingdom, it really is like that.
Right now, as I write this article, I’m defending myself. I’ve been feeling really bad and my only impulse is to sink myself under bedsheets, take my half bottle of Jack Daniel’s, and numb my mind with booze, just stay there in the dark feeling sorry about myself. Depression causes paralysis, and when you’re overpowered and paralyzed, that reinforces in you the thought that you’re powerless, useless, and unable to achieve the meaningful things you desire. Before ending there, it’s much easier to be preemptive in defending yourself and do it fast, not thinking too much about it. I came to my office to write a blog entry because I know that’ll get me started thinking about words, how to present the message, and how to help others going through this, and now that I’m done, I’m already thinking about a YouTube series of lectures for authors that I’ve been using to teach myself writing and I’m excited to start writing more stories.
See, I’m defending myself, I’m not what depression makes me feel but exactly the opposite.
jjosuminded 