Author: Josué Vargas

Night Journal: Rabbit Hole 1

June 8th, 2023
Have you felt the call of the Rabbit Hole?

It’s a big question, and even a greater decision whether or not to listen.

Me, I’m listening to Combichrist right now, with a big ass vodka bottle and a glass full of ice beside me; I’ve found out basically any San Pellegrino sparkling water mixes beautifully with ice and vodka, Stoli for me, if I had Żubrówka or Śliwowica accessible I’d be drinking that. But honestly, Stoli is famous cause it’s delicious and great quality, I just happened to have tasted polish vodka recently due to some colleagues sending me bottles and I’m in love; I’m super snob I’m sure you can tell so no point in hiding it.

Cheers!

But really, Lewis Carroll’s alegory is such a multidimensional symbol, it could really be interpreted in different manners and they all make sense. To me, the Rabbit Hole is the calling of truth, of meaning, of substance; to Alice it was the adventure of her life and the escape from a world way two ordinary for such a special girl, what’s your rabbit hole? I mean, cause there are some things that define a rabbit hole, if we just look at it from Alice’s story:
- It’s an entrance to another world, available in the ordinary world. So a portal.
- It’s not for everyone to enter, not even to notice; Alice was no ordinary girl and you can see it all throughout the story: her confidence, her strong will, her endless curiosity and her depth even.
- It’s dark, so obscure, unknown. This could also translate to risky, dangerous, dreadful.
- But in its darkness is also appealing; something interesting and otherworldy belongs there: a talking white rabbit. Meaning: there’s something irrisistible that belongs to the Rabbit Hole and it is what gives us the guts to break through the resistance of logic and self preservation, to enter the Rabbit Hole.
- It connects to a world that seems full of madness, for its symbols and ways are not our own; but it turns out there’s much in there, and meaning seems to manifest in it once the mind is more accostumed to the new place. .
The rabbit hole, The Rabbit Hole.

You know what? As of today, I will make The Rabbit Hole a new section of this blog, I just thought about it and it’s decided! Because there’s so much in my life that’s just manisfestations of it, just otherworldly.

A door or an abyss? Or both?

Nietzche wrote: ““if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”“

What’s the abyss? Is it the unknown? What do you imagine when you read this word?

Monsters?

Cold death?

Hell?

Desolation?

The abyss, the I know of, typically won’t bring a happy image to most people’s minds, it certainly doesn’t bring a joyful feeling to me. It’s a rainy (beautiful) night and I just came back from watching Berserk (1997) and I couldn’t but wonder: “why is it that I’m so drawn to this story?” But then I realize it’s not the only story so dark and philosophical that I like, one way or another I seek to surround myself with this type of content.

Why?

You know, I’m genuinely curious, I’m not judging myself: I was born in great darkness and I obviously didn’t choose that. Isn’t it simple survival to try to get used to it, to integrate it?

I’m not sure I can make sense to you right now, I feel like I need to ask you to be patient for it will have meaning, but for now it’s just chaotic and sparse. Since it’s so hard to delve into the core matter and put it into words, I will propose an exercise: I’ll choose one specific topic pertaining The Rabbit Hole, and my commitment with you is, each of those will tackle one little piece of this part of me: it’s a big part of me but it’s not all of it, if it was then I’d be like the Queen of Hearts and we wouldn’t really like that, would we?

A first attempt: Persona

Man, it’s not like I’m following an order or anything, but since I recently had a frustrating gamer experience with this game (Persona 5) it’s really present in my mind, so I’ll start with it.

*** Disclaimer: There’s nothing, zero, nada, wrong with this game: it’s a jewel. My frustrating experience hasn’t anyhing to do with the game but more with how stupid I am while playing it. The thing gives you like, tons of save slots so you can go back in time and fix your errors but I keep overwriting the same slot thinking that I can handle whatever comes: not the case; so I reach a point where I simply can’t win a battle and I will have to start over and I’,m looking forward to but right now my workload is quite a bitch, so being a fucking adult it’s what it is. /End of disclaimer ***

So, I’ll try my best to not enter into a “gamer blog” type of thing, cause I’d like to but this is not the section of the blog for doing so; however, because context is needed and I can’t hold myself from wanting to do just a little “gamer review”, I’ll dedicate few bullet points to provide a brief about the franchise and the game:
- “Persona” is a series of turn-based RPG games from ATLUS, a Japanese video game studio. The franchise originates in “Shin Megami Tensie” and this is were most of the persona designs and characters come from which is cool because if you’ve liked the series from the beginning it does provide a nice sense of continuity.
- Besides the way battle works (turn-based), Persona provides very entertaining blend of dungeon crawling and social simulation. Your actions typically occurs in an alternate dimension filled with dungeons and monsters in them, puzzles to solve and so on. While during “normal” lifge you’re typically a high school student in Japan and you need to make friends, go out, date or get a girlfriend/boyfriendeven; your social relationship work will yield fruits in the dungeon, which starts to point to some of the symbolism present in the game.
- The characters in Persona are heroes of the “rogue” type typically; misunderstoon, putting themselves at risk because what’s happening to them is really out of what the ordinary persdon could believe. So they’re vigilantes and outcasts of sorts.
OK, hopefuly that’s enough for an idea of what the game is like, I can’t recommend it enough and yes I’m aware it’s audience is probably 15 to 20 years younger than I am and I don’t give a fuck 🙂 .

How does Persona link to my Rabbit Hole? (When I use upper case it’s because I’m referring to my personal rabbit hole, not the generic concept). The answer lies in Jungian psychology. And I will apologize to professional psychologists and serious students of Jung if I’m somehow butchering the concepts but I’ll use my own words to explain in the next bullet points:
- You’re an individual, but defining yourself apart from the collective to become a unique entity is a lifelong process (individuation).
- Everyone is the product of culture, breeding, trauma, decisions, beliefs and a blend of external material influences one’s concept of the self. But much of what you are is not available to your conscious mind, yet it guides you conscious decisions as programming code would, from the unconscious (this is not unique to Jung but Freud teaches about this).
- There’s a realm that will hinder an individual’s progress towards full self-awareness and plentiful individuation which is the “shadow” realm. It will hinder such progress “by default” unless the individual intentionally and seeks to access it and integrate it.
- There’s a natural difficulty (for some an impossibility) to access and integrate this realm because it contains the dark self. It contains those beliefs that are unacceptable based on socialization and culture, but that nevertheless are a part of you. These beliefs are so contradictory to the value system you profess that your primary reaction to them is rejection, repression and burying them in the darkness within. However, from that prison, from that darkness they emerge to sabotage the false “virtuous” self you’ve built according to the expectatiosn of others that you’ve aboserbed as your own.
- You don’t need to blind-jump into the shadow world and let it rule you, that’s not Jung’ss idea of integration; it’s potentially very dangerous to do so because a lot of distorsion resides in there: the fruit of abuse, trauma, rejection and ugly things we supress can be foudn in the shadow world. But rather than “switch sides” and embrace that darkness as your identity, you need to acknowledge it, see it in the eye and understand there’s a part of you which resides in there; you can bring it to your conscience and you can integrate the valuable parts you find there.
Shit, I hope I’m making at least some sense, this Stoli is kicking now and my tongue is numb, lol, thanks fully I’m writing and not speaking. Jungians feel free to contact me and make corrections, I lack study and I know it and part of the attractive of the rabbit hole for me is precisely being able to dedicate time to interiorize and really understand these things.

In Persona (mostly from Persona 4 onwards) Atlus decided to build the game concept heavily using a Jungian angle to create an attractive story that’s also a means to reflec on the self and the truth, the relationships and your own identity.

I realize it’s been a long article, so my next Rabbit Hole article will be written entirely around Persona 5 and you’ll see what I’m talking about. For now, thanks for reading and you’re witnessing the beginning of a crazy-ass blog section: The Rabbit Hole, good luck.

I love ya.

J.V
Sunny Outside

June 8th, 2023

It’s sunny outside,

and to my surprise, inside as well.

A fresh, calm breeze

and the chirping of birds

as I open my window, a world of simple beauty

for my yearning eyes to dwell.

A cypress rises proud, it dresses in a spotted gown

of yellow and green interleaved,

a brave dog barks in wrath, to protect this day, no doubt

to keep all of our neighbors safe from

what’s grim and dire.

It’s sunny outside, and I feel like blending in

and inspire deeply, touch the grass with my feet.

It’s a new treasure for a limited time

I shall spend it all at once

for it ends tonight.

Josue Vargas, 2023
And if

June 7th, 2023

What if the outer shell was punctured,

and the pain would just be drained out, like foul stagnant water,

leaving the stench of the past behind, evaporated,

and the relief of a smile on my face?

What if the inhabited land above my shoulders

was abandoned by all? What if it was left desolate,

except from birds, and insects and wonderful trees that

sing when the wind blows against their leaves?

What if one morning, I floated like a feather,

randomly throughout the space of a single day?

And fly by the face of my child, who tries to catch me and play with me,

but I’m a feather and the wind moves me above the begging face of my dog,

and then towards the backyard to be lost in the first rays of sunshine.

And if one day I was running, preparing my body and mind

to make this world just a little bit more like me?

What if the voices I hear were not of the victims

but of the joyful children, filled with hope,

beloved by their parents, respected by strangers?

What if it was the warm tone of agreement, of forgiveness, in the voice of a man who could wield a knife but instead, chooses to wield a smile?

What if it was the understanding in the eyes of a woman,

who chooses not to hate or destroy those near her,

but to love them and believe that she can find her own way?

What if my day wasn’t filled with meetings,

but with stanzas?

What if my only concern was to paint the world with the colors I was given

and rather than a painkiller,

writing out my soul

was a life-giver?

Josué Vargas, 2023
Night Journal 06-06-2023

June 6th, 2023

So I learned that there’s a cruise ship that takes you around the world for 3 years and you basically live there: man I want it, I want it so bad! It’s like the dream come true of a rebel soul with true wanderlust! And that’s me!

Now think about the planning and other aspects that entail living in a boat for 3 freaking years, lol. So you will seldom see people you know and will be surrounded of temporary neighbors as crazy as you enough to embark into this adventure and you will probably get attached to some of them but these are nomads from across the world potentially so it’s not meant to last longer than three years; wow, that’s an interesting social experience! You get to train at the gym and be fed, so of course it’s up to you to choose the food that fits your lifestyle and also you’ll get super spoiled and once you go back to living in the land it will be quite a process to get used to cleaning, cooking and so on.

Now that’s living in the boat, but of course, a huge part of it (or the core of the whole experience) is not to have a floating room in a floating building, but rather to travel to 135 countries. Maaaaan! How do you manage work? I’ve been thinking about it seriously, I’d have to ask and calculate the time spent at the sea and do my best to compress all of my working inside those timeframes, because once we hit the shore I want out! And I’d want it all, all that I can see and do!

Also, if you do the math and you’re used to rent in an expensive city, then the whole pricing thing isn’t that crazy, not at all actually. But how about wanting to do trips and excursions in the places you wish to know the most? I mean, would you have the opportunity of travelling around the world to conservatively stay near the shore? So you’d need to plan your finances very well and have self control for sure: priorities!

In any case here’s the MV Gemini:

I will be writing on this blog from one of its cabins folks, it will happen.

What else, besides turning into Luffy?

Well, who knows, maybe I find a devil fruit during my journey and get some super power?

I’m writing again, that’s what’s up. And I’m happy about it, although it’s a very challenging thing to do these days for the reasons I’ve explained in my previous entries. But I’m pumped about it, for sure.

Besides your ocassional “Night Journal”, I’m writing other stuff, exercises that I find in my Creative Writing course such as “Forgotten Nebulas“, most of those will take the shape of a short story of sorts. And I’m also writing for a more ambitious project, a story to be released as a series of chapters here and in Wattpad; very soon you’ll get the first chapter and I don’t want to talk more about it since I’d like the story to surprise you.

I’m saving friends, dreams are awaiting and I need to fund them, it’s been so hard to save money! And I’m pretty clear that just saving money in the long run is losing money to inflation, so I’m actively working on some ideas to make some of that money work in some “low-risk” ventures; cause I can’t afford to play “Wolf of Wallstreet” at this juncture in my life, I need to prove a foreign embassy that my funds are stable and that I’ve kept a particular amount for more than a year and that makes me more conservative (thankfully) when it comes to risking hard earned money working like a motherfucker.

So yeah, that’s what’s up with me; also I have a headache, I’m listening to this really cool playlist and I’m about to hit the gym since it seems that I’m now one of those guys who need to be there daily. I have a very strict weightloss goal for this year, and so I’m training to run marathon (don’t get me wrong, I’m starting and I’m still fat 😦 ), but I’m less fat and I can start seeing gradual body changes; so I walk/run in the morning and lift weights in the evening; combined with my hectic lifestyle you already know about.

And all of this is super tiring but way, way better than watching life pass before my eyes in comfort; I feel awake and my reality is not what I want it to be, but it’s better than it’s ever been.

Struggle, effort, change… with time become a powerful engine and a source of much satisfaction.

Big hug my friends, you’ve read me in gloomy moments and now I want you to participate in my hopes as well. I’d like to think I can inspire some of you to live, just to embrace life and do as much as you can with it.
Forgotten Nebulas

May 29th, 2023

“How can someone ever see me through the ages, how can they feel what burns inside my heart and yet be ages apart in culture, in lifestyle?”

Glenn found himself meditating once again in the depth of Walt Whitman’s verses, once again lost in ethereal nebulas out of the ordinary human experience just as he always had.

“One day, boy, you will need to come down to the Earth with the rest of us mortals, people who feed on thoughts and ideals starve!”

Grandpa Jimmy was always concerned, he might have looked like a grumpy old man but he cared for the young poet, as a third generation farmer he knew the earth was faithful to those that plant and harvest with discipline, and the young boy did not exhibit an interest for the fertile soil in which he was blessed to be raised, like his father he seemed quite drawn to the abstract, to what the old rugged man considered “pretentious occupations”.

But despite this concern and this wariness, the old man himself would go to the second-hand bookstore on weekends and fetch a title for his grandson, as it seemed to be the only medicine for the incurable sadness that the boy seemed to have inherited from his deceased mother.

“I miss the old man, he knew so much more he took credit for.”

Old Jimmy was an intellectual of the land, a Diogenes of the academics, purposely casting himself aside from

their circles as the ultimate critique and embracing the land as the most primitive of our ancestors did.

It was true, old James Nowak had his time of endless intellectual discussions and garnered great admiration among his town fellows. A man who most thought would grow to be the town’s Mayor, make it to congress or even more. How he ended up embracing the fate of the common man in his village, no one really knew. But some of the embers of his youth remained, enough at least to be able to understand his fragile grandchild: deep inside he saw a great spirit and a deep vocation.

“I’m not a boy anymore, would the old man be proud?” – Glenn thought, returning back to the busy street in Manhattan.

All these thoughts were like a short film, repetitive and chaotic but well assembled, they seemed to make sense in some aesthetic way, you could play music from Einaudi as a background; he walked down the street with nostalgia. He stopped at the dry cleaning, the audience would not forgive him if he showed with the wrong attire, he had made a name for himself and needed to live up to the expectations of his fans. This business he entered did not forgive imperfections.

He entered the venue, and passed through the backstage door.

He took a deep breath, this one presentation could open a new door, maybe a way out, maybe a way to make old man Jimmy truly proud.

A loud, electronic music began playing and then a semi-distorted voice of the announcer:

“And now, ladies, from the farming countryside of Cole, Missouri! Two hundred pounds of muscle, sweat and testosterone just getting off the tractor and ready to show you ladies how a good country boy earns his living in the big city! Give it up for Glenn Nowak!”

The crowd became ecstatic as the dancer approached the stage and began to loosen his shirt to the sound of the provocative tunes.
Night Journal: Reboot

May 29th, 2023
Abruptly, as it’s customary in tropical climates, the heatwave that was now making each work day seem like a sticky mirage, turned into sudden, violent rainstorms.

I’d rather have the rainy days.

And coincidentally, those beautiful dark days that come as an early omen of a long winter (rainy season here to be precise) , begin one day after I decided to write again at night; so what used to be the “Late Night Journal” now becomes the “Night Journal”, just because my current efforts break out of the 9-5 work cycle don’t grant me the luxury of getting to be the bohemian writer whose window is lit when everyone else is sleeping.

At least not right now….

Why and how?

Oh don’t ask my why, but I feel like this snail sometimes 😉

Historically, the “Late Night Journal” section of this blog is the one with the most followers, I find this amazing and beautiful because it’s also the most personal section.

I purposely stopped writing in 2023, or rather I *paused* it for the sake of focus and to engage in a struggle to ensure I can dedicate to writing and other artistic/cultural projects in the future. So this year, I decided no matter what happened, I had to keep two jobs and save X%/month until I reach “Y” total amount, where “Y” is this completely lifechanging amount of money that could help “sponsor myself” to develop my projects without being worried about bills.

Because of how obsessive I am, I’m not only double-working, but I’m also building an e-commerce business and starting to build an online learning course catalog in technology, since this is an area I’m experienced in. Now, before you judge me too hard, and this is not something I often use to communicate, I am what you would call “gifted” while also autistic and this gives me the ability to live in isolation while also doing many things at the same time; this also brings a lot of challenges since I often feel quite the failure and nothing I do is ever enough, because if I’m “gifted” I should also be changing the world somehow rather than juggling jobs and fighting for weird projects only I care about, right? That site I linked (https://rainforestmind.com/) explains these predicaments and if you’re a gifted adult or know one who’s going through some crisis due to their peculiar mind I’d recommend you to read this therapist, Paula Prober; I don’t read her super often but my wife does and it’s been thanks to my wife that I’ve grown to learn more about myself (and about my son who’s got the same situation).

In any case, these activities are taking all of my current life (I wrote about it in my previous come back post, but I guess in less detail and a more motivational fashion). And yet, I decided it was time to come back to writing!

A quest: For me, for others

All throughout my struggles, there’s always a point where I stop and I breath and realize the outcome of this will help myself and help others. I believe I’ve written about this before, but one of the pains that give direction to my life is wasted lives and wasted potential.

I believe people come in many different shapes and flavors, but everyone has a talent that’s of divine origin, something God-given, something beyond flipping burgers or writing code to fix the latest bug.

Don’t get me wrong, we need all of those chores to be completed, we need everyone’s work and contribution to society, but aren’t we something beyond our function, no matter how critical this may be? See, I don’t believe any single human being is meant to be a gear in the machine and then go to waste and be replaced, I refuse to and it’s been like this since I was a kid, it’s been a very existential discussion with myself.

I have fought for many years against my current role in society (a cyber security specialist), feeling I’m misplaced but then also feeling guilty about hating my job because it’s also such a blessing. Quite a contradiction! I have been unemployed and in harms way in the past, I’ve known the horrible situation of lacking the basic assurances an adult needs to have for himself and his family, I know this first hand! So I decided that there’s no way I will hate my job, or condemn my life as a worker bee while I achieve something better, nor will I judge others for seeking the comfort of basic personal and household security.

I used to listen attentively to a certain breed of “entrepreneurs” who would actually criticize working class people; their narrow thought is similar to that of a religious sect and they surround themsleves with a bunch of entrepreneurial wannabes that just repeat their distorted “struggle and pain” doctrines like parrots without noticing how unreasonable they are. I used to be very affected by people like these, and thought they were right and I was just too weak, but you know what? All these people would be nothing without us worker bees! Yeah that’s right!
- We buy the stuff they produce
- We use the services they offer
- We work in their companies, we make their dreams a reality
- We approve of their ideas or bury them in Social Media
- We hold their livelihood in our hands, we’re just not conscious of it oftentimes!
It’s nonsense for a successful entrepreneur to despise the same people they are always trying to please via tremendous marketing and product engineering efforts. Luckily, it’s just a bunch of big-mouthed ones that have this toxic behavior, I think many great business people are mindful of how important the ordinary citizen is for their own lives and businesses and how a real measure of success for any great business person is their ability to satisfy and improve the lifes of us, the “ordinary people”.

So yeah, I know this was a detour, but it’s important for me to communicate that I respect and endure this stage of being inserted in the gears and cogs and not being quite distinguishable among them. It’s a test of endurance for me, and a blessing as well, I’m proud of my origins because they make my struggle much more valuable and much more epic.

But I also know I want out; I don’t think that’s everyone’s fate, as a matter of fact I know many who would never think about it because they have found a good life within the gears and cogs and that’s quite frankly, most people. And many times I envy them, but lately I’ve come to understand such envy is also nonsense because I would never be able to force myself into fitting something other than my own shape.

So, I came recently to a very tough crossroads:

I’m working to pay for my own opportunity, for my own shot at culture and arts, this is my dream, my plan and I believe in it, so much that I’m making a brutal effort to make it happend no matter what. At the same time, every day, month, week that I focus in making money to fund my own project I’m losing contact with the end goal and feel sucked into being a money-making machine. Talk about one fucked up paradox!

And while I can only devote a fraction of time to my life goal compared to what I’m fighting for, I will make the time each week (if possible each night) to write something; this is my lifeline to my dream, to the future I’m building. In this blog, the two worlds in dispute for my heart collide.

How is this quest related to others?

I have a firm belief that society is, for the most part, sick.

It’s illness is related to a lack of individual awareness and purpose, as humans we will always create systems, this is inevitable and it’s (for better or worse) the “engine of civilization”; systems as we know them in the age of computing, are perfectly ordered machines comprised of components dedicated each to its own function, replaceable, upgradeable.

Ever since the ancient civilizations, the rulers among mankind have strived to build systems, while facing the huge challenge that humans have their own heart and desire and will only become a gear or a cog in someone’s system if they have a reason and motivation to do so. This is why the history of mankind is so full of violence, because coercion is a foundational means to make people work for a “common goal” which could be re-written as “the goal of a ruler who needs a lot of people to achieve it”.

With time (not without horrible exceptions), force as a means of uniting people towards a goal has given way to deception as the primary means of doing so; the larger the system and the most benefits, the less effort to sell this idea that your best contribution to mankind is being a perfect consumer and “model citizen”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pure agent of chaos, but I’m a dissident of human dignity. I’d rather see individuals fulfilled imperfectly than helping perfectly organized prisons of efficiency and comfort.

This is a much larger topic, and it will certainly require more articles to address it, but I believe my own path and the effort I’m doing to expand myself to my full potential can become guidance for others willing to undergo personal transformation, I said before that I’m not a pure agent of chaos, I’d rather see myself as an agent of hope and deliberance.
Continue…?

May 14th, 2023
Do you follow this blog? Did you like content I wrote back in the day?

If the answer is “yes” then I apologize to you, because as you know, I’ve been absent for quite some time now. But I never intended to drop this project, nor do I intend to do so, ever. It will probably change with time, I mean, that’s the dynamic nature of this realm; but this blog was conceived as a primary means to open my mind and my heart to the world and that is an ongoing effort until the day I die.

So I wanted to say: “hi!”

I’m back, and I have been really busy. Let me tell you about it.

Imprisoned

It sounds negative, but it’s not as bad as it sounds; I’ve been in prison. I find it hard that my anti-system claims will ever be so violent as to send me to actual jail, but I have been in a “voluntary reclusion” if you may, and it’s been quite similar to what being in a relatively humane, low-sec prison would be like:
- I get to exercise
- I get to prepare myself in the library and have access to studies
- I get so see my family
- I get to decide about how I employ my time, but I’m not free to move where I want to
That’s as far as that metaphor goes, and it crumbles rather quickly when I go into the specifics, hehe, I’ve been very focused in making money and that’s one of the things you won’t typically do from prison.

Ever since I started drafting my life plan (of which this blog is an important step) and working on it, I knew there was going to be much struggle because it requires me to change the layout of my entire life, the direction of my efforts and even it pushes me to acquire new expertise. My aim is to dedicate the rest of my life to the development of ideas and projects, intellectual, artistic, works to share my inner world.

But how does one do this, if one desires to go “all-in”? After all, wouldn’t many wish to live a good life, in their own terms, doing what they like the most?

At my age, most people I know have long resigned to anything ressembling this ideal, and the sour truth is, later it will be seen as “just a part of life”.

I’m very rebelious and I won’t be satisfied with such bullshit. Now, I have to state this that I have understood: I don’t judge people who would accept and make peace with what they are and with continuing the path of least resistance; as long as you’re cultivating love and making a positive impact around you, I can understand having to drop painful, heavy burdens in order to live a better life and there are still lots of things that can be accomplished.

But as I said, I’m stubborn and rebelious, oftentimes much to my own harm. As I write this, I feel a big watery hole in my chest, turbulent, eager to pour into tears. I know I have to embark on an adventure soon and this is moving me to do all that I’m doing.

And, leaving figures of speech aside for a moment, what I’m doing is working my ass off, two jobs plus trying to get some side hustles up and running and build a good money-making machine that would eventually give me some capital to invest and some passive income to begin my intellectual and artistic adventure. I’m making a deal with the uncertain future to become my own patron, and fund my own art; and it’s painful as fuck and cruel, quite often:
- Because there’s no guarantee
- Because it drains an unrecoverable part of my time and youth (or whatever remains of it)
- Because it corners me to choose between important things, and to hurt myself and others
- Because it’s high-risk, the default motion of life is against it
- Because it takes terrible amounts of time, frustration, patience
- Because the unforeseen of life comes like a thief and steals a big part of my effort and I have to start over
And I feel so stupid, so often.

I’m also a long-time fan of video games, and that’s why I named this one article “Continue…?”. Do you recall feeling tired, eyes burning, having been kicked your ass by that level’s boss 5 times in a row but you just can’t help pressing the “Continue” button?

Well that’s me right now, except this is no fucking game.

The Unrestrainable Within

So in my seemingly endless conviction, I’ve come to realize something that many a notable ex-convict has realized: the seeds purpose root strongly while in captivity; such a paradox, and still such a powerful truth!
- Much of St. Pauls work and the whole Revelations book was written in prison by St. John
- Don Quixote was partly written in prison
- While convicted and trialed, Socrates stated the most impactful thoughts he enunciated that reached us through Plato
- Prison strenghtened the movements and ideas of change-bringers like Gandhi or Mandela
And I’m sure even if you don’t like some of these characters, you can get my point that prison doesn’t need to be the demise of an individual, but can actually bring maturity and endurance that will be much useful when once the barred gate is finally open.

And so, today with this article: “Continue” I’m walking in my purpose and path within myself, from prison, so that you will know who I am both in captivity and freedom.

I’m eager to once again reach my hand out to yours from behind the bars, and touch it once again later, in a sunny day outside!
Music Crisis: Nick Drake

December 31st, 2022

“Nick Drake’s sadness is a colorful storm flooding the world” – A.I Art

I’ve become such a controlled man with age.

And you know what? It’s good for me, it’s probably saving me from a lot more pain than I have and even from an early death. It’s good for me, to be patient, structured, and controlled.

On the flip side…

Fuck, I can’t let it define me, I can’t let it entrap me!

And so, this small article I’m writing it’s me yielding to the pressure of unquiet waters inside me, that revolve in anger and the despair of ignoring the cosmic paradoxes that it’s often safe to just keep ignoring.

But not today.

Most of my friends are dead

It’s been quite a while since the last time I wrote a blog piece for jjosuminded, I’ve told you about it before, my depression and my hunger for meaning typically lure me out of my habits and especially those that involve communicating the external world. So, as usual, I apologize to my beautiful audience for the lack of content, I wish that you have a great time reading me, but for that to happen I need to have something meaningful to talk about, and that’s what I get from my intense inner explorations in which I embark for weeks.

I gotta say, I’m not in a grim mood currently, I’m OK.

I’m even more OK since yesterday I got to repair my computer; man, my computer is like a dear relative and also like a private chamber that’s comforting and full of my things, the things that make me feel at home. So when it broke, it was a tough time for me; I’m so thankful my wife had the grace of letting me use her’s unrestrictedly, but of course, it’s never the same. Her computer is her tool, and mine is a very private chamber, they signify very different things.

So that makes me feel good, trivial as it might look, mundane if you would but I’ve been through so much chaos and surrounded with so much of the absurd that I claim the right to be childish about this, won’t be ashamed.

But also, I get sad because I think more than it’s safe for a person to think.

I’ve recently discovered Nick Drake, such a talented young man! And he could have been my dad, by no means would he have been a young man today, if it weren’t because he didn’t get to see his 27th birthday. He died before he got to live much and that makes me sad.

And so, I realize most of my friends are dead, and if you’ve read me before you may know that I call friends people who don’t know me, but whose music reverberates with the depths of my soul. Nick Drake is my most recent dead friend.

I came to know him, because of the music of yet another dead friend: Elliot Smith; in my Spotify explorations I found Elliot Smith while exploring more of the alternative 90’s scene, which lead me to his folkish influences and: voilá, Nick Drake.

Please listen to him, he was so unknown and his music was so beautiful and I want more people to know that he existed. I’m overwhelmed by feelings right now, and this is why I can’t provide you with a more “cold-minded” or “technical” review of his music, as I said in the introduction, I’m yielding to my feelings and this is what’s coming out.

My music crisis has led me to meet a young poet, shy, lonely, deep, and beautiful. A beautiful man, probably too beautiful for this world, as most of my dead friends, were.
Late Night Journal – 12/08/2022

December 8th, 2022

“At night, I return” A.I Art.

I’m back with “Late Night Journal” folks. I know, I always say that, and then: poof! I disappear in a purple mist. But, I want to make this type of post more regularly.

It’s interesting though, I feel like this is the “Meta Journal” because I’m taking this entry to speak about the journal itself. I’m super happy because well, I’ve published quite a bit in this blog already, and I know it needs a redesign, it needs love and patience, and maybe some money cause I’m a lousy web designer (well, not a web designer at all actually) so… I know, I know…

But on the other side, I’m so thankful for all of you who read me despite my awful blog design and even the annoying, scammy-looking ads that WordPress.com decided to put on it (cheap suckers!). I will fix these things, I’ve just been quite broke after I lost my second job as I told you in the past, but guess what? Guess, guess! Yes, after some terrible interviews, weeks of anxiety, and harassing my recruiter, I landed a new job and my main purpose after taking the needed portion to adjust my family’s finances (the recession is hitting like a freaking bitch), is to start a big savings plan to raise some capital for both my online training business (technology related) and of course, for my artistic projects. I’m so thrilled!

Folks, feel free to feel happy for me, this is the result of so much suffering, believe me, if you like underdog stories, I’m your guy!

“A very eager artist” – A. I Interpretation using my own picture as a baseline

So what’s up with the journal?

Yeah, right! Thanks for reminding me, fellows!

Because I’m already dedicating most of my after-work time to my projects, it’s become a lot lately, so much so that I’ve had to rethink my time management strategies and reprioritize. And so, you don’t see me posting “Late Night Journals” that often since I’m also posting short stories and writing exercises mainly.

But something interesting has been going on for a few months, every now and then, when I have a new follower or a new like in my blog posts, guess where it usually comes from?

From my “Late Night Journals”! Of course!

So I’ve been wondering why this is so. I mean, I like them and I like writing them, but I honestly thought folks would feel more attracted to other pieces like articles on culture or poems, etc.

So I asked my wife since she’s super smart and a good observer and she told me: “people like to know about other people’s lives”. Ha! Interesting, it’s simple but it’s powerful, indeed the “Late Night Journal” is the most personal type of post I make.

In any case, I want to listen to my audience and I will start writing again the type of content you’ve shown a preference for. Because you know what? Your support makes me bolder, it encourages me to fight harder, be more disciplined and achieve the many things I’ve told you about in this blog, my dreams of art and freedom, my stories, and my thoughts on how to contribute to the lives of others! I want to inspire you, not by being perfect but by being brave.

Have a wonderful night friends!

I just like it a lot, it shows how I feel when I start working on my art projects.
Tennessee Whiskey

December 4th, 2022

Tennessee whiskey, help me understand

Why are cowboys this sad below a summer sky

It’s been a while, old buddy,

We’ve traveled the wasteland for some time.

Smoky’Ol wizard

Cast that icy curse, let it slide like silk down my throat

Pick me up from the dirt and, by all means,

Strip me out of my treasures

Go trade them for booze and guns

Cause I don’t want no memories

That they were there once.

Tennessee whiskey, bring the wild Ol’wolf,

Shake it out of its slumber

And have it cast out

the spirit of the law-abiding man from me.

Let us gamble now, draw our knives, and stab the sunny skies

Make it rain upon the faithful and throw mud on their plans.